Losing All Control
by KarmaClassic
Summary: We started something on bad terms and from there it just got worse. Love, it doesn't exist and pain is eternal. When it ends up that you can't take it anymore sometimes you got to return to where it all began to truely understand why.
1. It all ends in a BANG

She sits there crying and all that can be heard are her deep sobs and shortness of breath.

She continues to cry with no attempts at stopping. Sitting in the corner of the small room she's finally hit her braking point. This is where it ends. The pain is just too much. She just can't take it anymore.

"Okay, 1, 2….."

Someone begins banging on the door like a crazy person.

"What the hell are you doing in there? Have you completely lost it? Get the hell out of there this minute! I swear to GOD…"

"Shut up, just shut up! I can't take it anymore. No more pain, no more pain. Please just let me go, PLEASE."

"Babe, you need to come out. We can fix this. Just me and you…Okay"

SILENCE

"NO!... It's too late for us to fix it. Too much, just too much."

"Come on. OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!"

"I can't… I just can't."

He begins to bang harder onto the door trying to break it down.

As he does this she slowly picks up a gun from under the sink and draws back the trigger and aims it ready to shot.

"Did you get her out of that room yet" says a friend of the two

"No" faces the door "Cuz she won't OPEN THE DAMN DOOR."

He tries one more time to break down the door and it swings open.

BANG!

"OH MY GOD!"


	2. Back to the beginning

_**Author's Note: I realized I didn't do this before so here it is. I don't own Degrassi or any of the Degrassi character. The only thing here that is mine is this story so no duplications please.**_

_BANG!_

"_OH MY GOD!"_

Yeah. That was really bad, but to truly understand how we got to that point we have to start from the beginning. No, I don't mean when you popped into this world type beginning, but the beginning of something that you know will change who you are forever.

My beginning came the day Sean ran home to his parents. Its weird how the shooting and watching someone die wasn't my new beginning. Sean leaving was so small, yet it made the biggest difference. I guess I felt that if he wasn't strong enough to take it, then neither was I. Maybe that's it, I just wasn't **strong** enough.

Like I said it started right after we left Sean in Wasaga. Ellie was crying so hard, like her heart had been ripped out and she kept snapping that damn ban on her wrist. I get she was in pain, but it was really starting to piss me off. Don't get me wrong, I understood perfectly how she felt at that moment because I felt it not once but twice in the span of 3 years of dealing with Sean. In a way I pitied her, but mostly because if I didn't pity her I'd have to deal with my own pity and guilt and at that moment it wasn't an option. Hell it never will be.

I was so happy when we finally dropped her off at her now very roomy apartment, but that left my **alone** in a **car** with **Jay**. It couldn't get worse, but I would've been fine if he just didn't talk to me.

"So Sprout, you gonna tell me where you live or are we just gonna sit her all night."

I don't know what happened. At that moment it all hit and the stupidest thing is that it was for no reason at all. I just bent over and started sobbing like a crazy person and in front of the one person I never wanted to see me weak.

"Whoa. What the hell are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing. I'm crying like a freaking idiot in your car."

"Come on Greenpeace. Don't go getting all 'girl interrupted' on me here."

"Oh God! Must you always be an ass? I mean you care about nothing…One of the most horrific events in my life just happened and you still find the time to be a total dick."

Weirdly enough my crying had nothing to do with the shooting, but I couldn't tell you what caused it. It just happened and for the life of me I couldn't stop it. He just stared at me and for a split second he looked guilty. Then he said something that I thought would never come out of his mouth in all the time that I've known him.

"I'm sorry." It was so low I almost couldn't hear it over my deep sobs.

"What did you just say to me?"

"I can't believe your gonna make me repeat it. I said 'I'm sorry'. **OKAY**" I can't believe he said it again, but it wasn't at all comforting.

"Why?! What reason do you have to be sorry. You did nothing. This is all my fault. I started the campaign, I lead him on, I broke him, and it's my fault Sean left, which means it's my fault Ellie's in pain. Please tell me what it is that you have to be sorry for?!"

I was pissed. All he did was say he was sorry, but where did he get off being sorry when he had nothing to do with it or so I thought at the time.

"I'm sorry because… because… because"

"BECAUSE WHAT? Just say it."

"Because I did the prank on him! Okay. Are you happy now?!"

I don't know what came over me in that second but it was like time slowed and I could feel the exact moment when everything changed. It was my fault, one more thing to add to my long list of faults. I think I was just crazy, HELL I still am if you haven't noticed, but in just then I did something neither one of us expected.

I leaned forward and kissed him hard. It wasn't at all sweet or beautiful, but rough and filled with pain and unsaid anguish. When we pulled apart I was breathless and the look on his face was priceless. I think that's when I officially sunk into myself.

I got this numb feeling, like my heart had been replaced by a lump of dry ice and I just didn't want to think anymore.

Eventually I got tired of him staring at me so I said, "My house is two blocks down and three streets over. It's the one with the green double doors."

He drove in a trance like he was trying to process what happened. I mean he just confessed to me that he's the reason I almost got shot and I **KISS HIM**. What was wrong with me? What's still wrong with me? As he pulled in front of my house the car fell completely silent now sitting in neutral.

I slowly climbed out of his car, but before closing the door I turned to him and said, "You didn't have to tell me, I already knew."

"How?"

"You're not as hard to read as you think. Spending the day with two people who were almost killed and you having a part in it would bring the guilt out in anyone's eyes."

He just sat there dumbfounded, not saying a word, so I turn toward my house and walked away. And in that ten second period between me leaving his car and getting to my bedroom window I changed and not for the better.


	3. What's a girl to do?

Over the next few weeks I guess you can say I started going through some changes. My grades began to fall, I stopped talking to JT, Liberty, and Toby (kinda got tired of them looking at me like I was about to snap), and I quit S.I.T.E. Manny and I were still cool, so I guess I hadn't changed completely.

School was **HELL**. Everyone kept staring at me like I was crazy. Plus, the whispers. "She's the one he tried to kill"; "Wow that's her". It was really getting to me. About the only emotion I was feeling was annoyance, other than that it was like my feelings were on mute. And to top off my super sucky life one special person kept **watching **me. I mean doesn't he have a life and why did he have to be so creepy.

This next part was a mistake. I could have just let it go, let him stare at me, but I guess I'm stupid. So being the dumbass I am I walked up to him when he was by his car with all his friends and of course Alex. I did mention I was stupid right.

"What the **HELL** is your problem?"

"Hey Sprout, so what have I done now? Injured a tree, stepped on a flower? What's your damage?" He said in his overly smug tone. God I wanted to slap him at that moment.

"Hold up a minute! What the hell are you doing coming over to us, CauseGirl in the first place?" Of course Alex had to put her two cents in it, but I wasn't in the mood for her or wasting my time giving her an answer.

"You know perfectly WELL what I'm talking about!"

"Excuse me you holier-than-thou bitch. I know you didn't just ignore me!" Alex just doesn't know when to quit. Okay she was getting to me and lets just say I snapped… a little.

"Oh SHUT THE HELL UP! I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to your creepy boyfriend here who thinks it's his personal job to stalk me every waking moment I spend in the fucking place!"

I guess what I said surprised her or embarrassed her cause she just looked at me. No punches, no yelling, just a look. Weird isn't it. Alex "beat your ass in a second" Nuñez just looked at me. So, I went back to my objective.

"So… Jay…aren't you gonna say something." He just looked at me like I had two head and then what really pissed me off is when made that STUPID SMIRK.

"No" It was that simple. He just said no, got in his car and drove away.

It took me a minute to notice that Alex didn't go with him. She was still standing there looking at me. I started to get nervous, so I just took at deep breath and said the first thing that came to my mind.

"Why are you still here?" She was still just looking at me not saying a word. Can you say weird?! So I turned to walk away. To bad at the precise moment she found her voice.

"Wait! What you said Jay was doing is that true or are you just trying to piss me off."

"Yeah…I mean no… I mean the Jay thing is true." Then she said something that kinda boggled me.

"What's wrong with you?" What was that supposed mean?

"What?!"

"I mean you walk around this place like a fucking zombie. Do you really expect nobody to notice? I mean come on, I may not like you but damn even I've notice your less then perfectness lately."

I was completely thrown. Not even Manny noticed that and she's supposed to be my best friend. Snake, my mom, no one. Yet, somehow **ALEX**, who happens to hate me noticed.

"I don't know."

I guess she was done talking because she began to walk away, but turned to me and said eight words that weirdly enough I found comforting. Bad thing is…I shouldn't have.

"By the way, he isn't my boyfriend anymore."


	4. Midnight intruder

"_By the way, he isn't my boyfriend anymore." _

Wow. How is it possible that eight words just completely filled me. I stayed in my room that entire night just thinking about what Alex said to me and I kinda wondered why she even bothered to tell me that. We weren't friends and that was about the most civil conversation we've had in the entire time we've know each other. To bad I had other things to worry about in 1…2…3…

BAM

Something just fell through my window. Let's just say I have never been more scared in my entire life, but also hopeful. I was hopeful cuz I might have finally gotten the chance to have all my problems end. I mean if it's someone trying to hurt me than at least I don't have to deal with what's happened to me and what was currently going on in my life. Oh well, my luck's not that good.

"JAY! What do you think your doing coming in my room?... How about anywhere near me?"

"Just thought I'd stop by so we could talk." And once again he gave that stupid smirk.

"About?"

"Let's see how did you put?... Oh yeah. Me **STALKING** you."

"Oh that."

"Yeah" Then came the silence.

"Well are you gonna explain yourself?"

"I'm not stalking you, okay Greenpeace? I'm just a little thrown by you."

"Why?"

"I vaguely remember you kissing oh I believe 4 weeks ago."

"And…your point?"

"Why'd you do it?" I didn't want to explain myself to him. Especially when I don't even know why I did it. So I just changed the subject.

"Why'd Alex dump you?"

"She didn't, it was a mutual decision. Do you really think we'd be hanging with each other if she dumped me?"

"Okay…You can leave now."

"Not until you answer my question."

"I DON'T KNOW…OKAY!"

"No need to get all snappy Greenpeace. It was just one question." As he said this he stepped closer to me. Once again tears were in my eyes. Why is it that every time I'm around him alone I begin to cry.

Trying to hold back tears I said, "Can you just leave?"

"No…Not until I see something." He moved again this time he was pressed fully against me and it's just my luck that there's a wall behind me, so I can't move.

"What are you doing?"

"Seeing something"

He began to run his hand up my thigh and untie the strings on my pajama pants. I don't know why I didn't stop him. I just looked in his eyes. They weren't blue like usual, they were grayish and unreadable. It kinda scared me. He pulled them down and I don't know why, but I stepped out of them. He didn't even have to ask me.

"Okay Greenpeace. Now just go with it."

He began to kiss me and play with the seem of underwear and I let him. He slowly moved me to the bed and pushed me on it. What was happening and why wasn't I stopping it? We had been on my bed for a minute now and he decided to ask me something.

"Is this okay?" I just looked at him and started to kiss him again.


	5. You down?

"_Is this okay?" I just looked at him and started to kiss him again. _

I guess I freaked him out a bit because he pulled away rather quickly and got off the bed.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he was pacing back and forth which he looks completely stupid doing.

"What are you talking about?" Like I didn't know already.

"I mean if I had tried this any other time you would have tried to kill me! What's wrong with you."

"Why do you even care?" Where did he get off.

"I made a promise." Here we go with him whispering again.

"A Promise? To who?"

"Sean. I told him I'd make sure you and Ellie were okay. I got Alex working the Ellie front seeing how they're friends and all, and I got the pleasure of working on you."

"So, what you were just doing to me counts as making sure I'm okay?" this sentence was dripping with sarcasm and he didn't really appreciate it.

"No, smart ass. I was testing you. And from the look of things your pretty fucked up."

"Oh thanks… I haven't noticed that. Thanks so much for coming all this way to tell me that I'm messed up. I don't know what I'd do if you hadn't." more sarcasm.

"You know what Greenpeace? You're really starting to become a bigger bitch then usual. I'm just trying to… hell if I know. I'm just trying to keep my promise."

"Well don't, I don't need you watching over me like I'm a wounded bird." With that he turned and started walking to the window. I was slightly relieved to see him leaving, but like I said I have some real sucky luck…he turned around.

"Well, are you coming or not?"

"Coming where?"

"Now if I told you that, there'd be no point in going anymore."

I guess I was tired of the suffocating feeling I was getting trapped in my room. I wanted a break, you know anything that would take it all away. So I said…

"Okay, just let me change."

Ten minutes later I was in a pair a jeans and simple t-shirt, nothing special and we were off. He drove for what seemed like ten or fifteen minutes before arriving to our destination, a house of some sort.

"Where are we?"

"A friend of a friend's place."

"Oh"

To say I felt out of place would be an understatement. I felt more overwhelmed then ever. I should of stayed home. We were there for what seem like a half hour before I was completely feed up.

"That's it Jay. TAKE ME HOME NOW."

"Chill Sprout, it's a party loosen up."

"No. I don't wanna loosen up I want…I want…I don't know. I just want…" here come those tears again. Jay must have notice because he pulled me into a room off to the side.

"Okay. No more tears. You need to relax and I know the perfect thing to get you to."

"What?" at this point I was willing to try anything. As long as I didn't have to remember or feel I was down for anything he was gonna throw at me.

He pulled a small baggie out of his pocket. It looked like it, it had something white and powdery inside.

"What's that?"

"Something to make you feel better, make you forget, whatever it is you want, **it** does."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." He said the magical words that had me wanting it '_make you forget'_. I would do anything to forget, just for a little bit, even this.

"So…you down?"

"Yeah...just show me how."


	6. When An Angel Falls

_BANG!_

"_OH MY GOD!"_

Damn. I messed up big. She was wounded and scared. She wasn't ready for it and I knew. I just…I just…I guess I just didn't really care. It's not like we were friends or anything like that when this all started. Truth be told she was a total pain in the ass, but I had to admit she had some serious guts to do half the things she did. She was special and different and let's just say I made her special and different for completely different reasons.

To me it all goes back to that night. That was when it all changed. When she fell. I hear that if you catch and angel before it falls then you get this aura around you that just glows like red ember. But if you stand back or cause an angel to fall you're destined to suffer with no chance of redemption.

You see I let one angel fall when I was dating Alex. You wonder why she's so cold, I made her that way. Stopped her from being weak and turned her into a black hole. She had something special in her and I know I squashed it. My second angel to fall was Emma. Sometimes it even hurts to say her name cuz I know I failed her. I just wanted to help her, but I'm already damned and I guess the damned can't save the fallen.

Like I said it all goes back to that night. The party. She was so fucked up and I just wanted her to shut the hell up, stop whining, and stop ruining my buzz. So…I gave her something to calm her, you know make her enjoy herself. Hey, it was a party after all and it's not like I forced it down her throat or anything.

She looked so free for the first time in like forever. She was dancing, laughing and just going crazy. It was beautiful to watch. Her every movement was like oxygen, but tainted in a way. Like at any second you would absorb too much of it and just die. It was great, until Alex walked over to me.

"So, Alex what brings you to my side?"

"Why is Greenpeace here?" She looked a little pissed. And the weird thing is it didn't look like anger, but protectiveness.

"Seany told me to watch her and that's exactly what I'm doing."

"Is she on something?...Jay I swear to God if you gave her anything I'll…"

"You'll what?" There was nothing but silence and of course that evil ass stare she gives. It really scares the shit out of me, but hell if I let her know that.

"So what if I did? Okay. At least she's having fun." This really pissed her off.

"She's not like us Jay and you know that. Bringing her here and doing this to her now isn't cool. What the hell are thinking?" She actually had the nerve to hit me in the side of my head. I mean what the hell? I was doing a good deed. Helping Greenpeace and this is the thanks I get.

"You know what Alex?... We're not together anymore and I don't have to answer to you. You're not my fucking mom and SHE doesn't even get that privilege." I was pissed and she was starting to make me feel bad. I hated how she could get under my skin, so I decided to walk away. Damn bitch had to grab me and make me stay.

"Just get her out of here. NOW Jay." I was tired of this and it just wasn't worth the argument anymore.

"Fine." I gave my signature smirk, grabbed Nelson and headed out the door.

Let's just say Nelson was a little more than pissed to be leaving so soon. What is up with woman?! I just can't seem to please any of them. That little blonde bitch starts swinging at me the minute we get out the door.

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" I don't think I ever heard her curse before. It was like seeing a baby stick up their middle finger, just seemed wrong in some way.

"We're leaving. Now shut the hell up and get in the car?" She had this glassy eyed, pissed look on her face and wasn't moving an inch. I wasn't in the mood, so I grabbed her threw her in the car and drove off.

Fifteen minutes later we would have been outside her house, but shit happens and listening to her piss and moan for ten minutes threw me off of my destination and we ended up outside mine instead of hers. Just my luck. First I get bitched out by Alex and next Nelson. Why doesn't someone just put a bullet in my head? It would have saved everyone a lot of pain.


	7. The Burning Bed

I was tired, pissed, and not to mention my buzz was completely shot to hell. With the intrudence of Alex and now Emma, my night was pretty much shit. I wasn't going out again so that little twit was either gonna sit in that car all night or come into my house. Hell if I cared, as long as I didn't have to listen to here bitch about it she could do whatever she wanted. Yet, to my pleasure she chose my house. She was still high as a kite and I'd have to say it was kinda cute on her.

We had been in my house for about ten minutes before she said a word.

"Where are we? This isn't my house. J…a…y?" She was out of it. I could see it in her eyes and the way she spoke.

"We're at my house now princess." She had this really weird face on. Like it was taking all her energy just to process what I just said to her.

"Jay, why are we at your house?" She was smiling a crooked smile as she said this, like she knew something and just wasn't telling me.

"We're here to sleep. You take the couch, I'll be in my bed." Hey, we weren't friends and she sure as hell wasn't my girlfriend. I'm not giving up my bed to anyone.

"Okay." I don't know if it was because she was high or because she was tired, but she didn't complain. I didn't care as long as I could get some rest.

I had been peacefully drifting off to sleep about fifteen minutes later when something started crawling up me. I opened my eyes to see that it was Nelson. What the hell did she want?

"Nelson, what do you think you're doing?" She didn't say anything at first just started kissing me.

"Jay, I need you to do me a favor?" This was getting slightly interesting, so I decided to play along.

"Sure Nelson…whatever you want?" I shouldn't have said that.

"Have sex with me." Who was I to turn her down. It was hard enough paying attention to what she was saying with her rubbing up and down on me.

"Hey your wish is my command Nelson."

It was great for the first twenty minutes. You know before she got crazy. I had already plunged inside her and was going at a nice speed. Unitl…

"Hurt me." She said between moans. What did she just say?

"What?!"

"HURT ME!"

"No." Was she fucking crazy?

"Please, just go hard." I don't know why, but I did.

"HARDER!" She was starting to scare me, but I did it anyway. She started to cry and I heard her say ouch a few times. I could see the pain in here face so clear. I wanted to stop, I needed to. I stopped moving.

"NO! DON'T STOP, YOU CAN'T! PLEASE JUST MAKE ME HURT, MAKE ME BLEED!" It hurt me to keep going but she just looked so desperate and I felt like this was my only way to help her. I knew she was a virgin before we started. I could tell, but I didn't stop, she didn't want me to. That didn't make it any easier to keep going.

Every few seconds she would scream out in pain and it took all my strength to keep going. I've never felt more guilty and wrong in my life. I hated myself for doing this to her. Finally we were done and she rolled over to the other side of the bed with this blank look in her eyes and **I** put it there. She didn't say a word. I couldn't take it, knowing what I'd just done to her. I got up out of my bed and went into the bathroom. I stayed there the rest of the night. I couldn't face her. It was just too hard. By the time I came out of the bathroom the next day she was gone. I don't know how she got home or when she left I just knew she was gone.

"_HURT ME!" _

Yep. That's when I ruined her and I've never cried until that moment.

**_Author's Note: If anyone is offended by the way I presented the topic of sex in this chapter, feel free to tell me. It was really hard for me to right this chapter and it's the one chapter I'm most scared about, how people will feel about it. I hope you enjoyed it._**


	8. Severe All Ties

"_HURT ME!"_

What he doesn't know to this day is that I came down off the drugs about an hour before it happened. I just needed something…for the pain. It hurt so bad and it never stopped. It just wouldn't stop. The drugs made me feel invincible. I was so high and it hurt so much to come back down. I needed to cleanse myself of everything. The shooting, Ellie's pain, Sean, everything. It was all my fault and I deserved to suffer for it. I just shouldn't have made Jay do that. I've hated him for the longest time, but even he didn't deserve that.

I could see the pained and scared look in his eyes, but I couldn't let him stop. If he stopped I wouldn't be cleansed. I read somewhere that people do out of character things after traumatic events in their lives. I guess that was what I was doing. All I know is that the old Emma was receding fast and I just needed to severe all ties to who I was. I wasn't that girl anymore and after that night with Jay I wasn't about to keep pretending.

For something that was meant to cleanse me I never felt more dirty in my entire life. But it was perfect for my new beginning. I guess you could say I made a complete 180. The second I got home I went ballistic. I was crying **A LOT**. I hated everything. My room, my clothes, everything. It all had to go. I was no longer the girl these things belonged to. She was gone. I left her the minute I let Jay…She was gone and that's all that mattered.

Everything had to go.** EVERYTHING!** I went crazy. Throwing things around. Her bedspread, her clothes. Stupid pictures she kept of friends. Her and Manny on the beach last year, her first date with Sean, it all went. She was no longer a part of me. There was no more CauseGirl, Greenpeace, or tree hugger. That Emma Nelson was dead and I was gonna make sure of it. Her clothes disguised me. All that hippie, preppy shit had to go. I hated looking at it so I destroyed it. Taking them scissors to every piece of her clothes was so…so…RELIEVING. Smashing her stupid trinkets and burning all of her old pictures felt so right. I wasn't gonna stop until it was all gone. Until every last inch of her was nowhere in my sight.

It took 3 hours to destroy everything of hers and another hour to put it out with the rest of the trash. I was free of her and it felt so good. Well, until I stepped in front of the mirror. There she was just staring back at me. Laughing because for a split second I actually thought I was rid of her. I hated her. Her face, her hair, her everything. I hated how her hair reach down to the center of her back and the fact that it was so blonde, so perfect. I hated the natural look she went for and the virtuous way she presented herself. I had to get rid of it, but to do it I had to get some stuff and I needed help. Manny would ask to many questions and Jay, he wasn't any option right now. So who is there left for me to go to…

"Hey, I was wondering if you would help me." She looked so confused the second she opened her door, but didn't give me the answer I expected.

"Sure, what do you need?"

"What did you just say?"

"I said sure, now are you gonna tell me what you want or are you gonna stand there looking dumber than usual." She just had to be a bitch about everything, but I'd expect nothing less from Alex.

So I poured my soul out to her about everything I felt the second I got home. It was weird how easily I opened up to her. I felt this weird connection to her, like she understood perfectly how I was feeling. It was so relaxing. She actually helped me and within an hour or two I had everything I needed to make "her" go away. I was about to head home when she stopped me.

"So…are you gonna be okay doing this alone?" It surprised me how cool she was being.

"Yeah… I'll be fine" I was about to walk away when I had this weird urge to say something to her.

"Hey…Alex…why are you being so nice to me?" I just had to know. It was too out of character for her.

"Just…you've been pretty crappy the last couple of weeks…I know what it's like to feel completely helpless and need a change. Hell, I wasn't born a bitch. This took time to craft." We both started to laugh a little. It was almost like we were friends. I kinda needed to know if we were, just to understand where we stood.

"So…what are we right now?"

"We're cool Nelson, maybe even…friends. You're not as big a prude as a thought before." I took this as a compliment and was on my way.

When I got home I began my transformation. I took the scissors sitting on my desk and cut my hair to the center of my breast line. It felt so freeing to watch each stand of hair fall to the ground around me. I still needed to rid myself of that perfect blonde hair. It was too much like her. I took out the hair dye that Alex had helped me pick out. It was a darkish-brownish-blonde. Still blonde, I know, but less perfect and less like a porcelain doll's hair. It was perfect for me. Looking in the mirror at the new me was like looking into a whole new person. Come Monday it was all going to be perfect. With the clothes Alex and I had got and the new make-up we picked up everything that Emma "Greenpeace" Nelson is, will be gone and the new Emma will come to life.

Come Monday everything was gonna change…FOR GOOD!

**_Author's Note: This chapter was really hard for me to write because I wanted to get my point across in the best way possible. Hopefully I've done that. I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter and my entire story. That's the only way for me to know if it works so feel free._**


	9. New Day, New Me

Here I stand with fifteen minutes to go. Okay just take a deep breath and go for it. I was standing in front of that mirror for what I think may have been an hour just trying to say goodbye to the old Emma. It was harder than I thought it would be, not because I still wanted to be her, but because saying goodbye to old Emma would leave me with a broken shell that not sure how to feel. So I stand here and wait. I wait for her to release me and allow me to become something, anything else and the crazy thing is she lets go so easily. It was like she was already gone I just needed to accept it and I don't like to say it hurt to release her, but it did. That doesn't mean I miss her. Hell no, she was weak and self-righteous and a pain in the ASS. I don't miss her. I CAN'T. Anyway it's too late for that.

I pick up my new clothes. I guess changing myself on the outside is the easiest way to show EVERYONE that Emma Nelson is a different person. It worked for Manny, why not me. Damn, speaking of Manny I still haven't told her about the change. The only person I told was Alex. My parents haven't even noticed the change in my room or my wardrobe and they won't at least not until I walk through those doors at Degrassi. So I stand in front of this mirror wearing a questionably short leather skirt, a simple tank top, and jacket that matches the skirt almost perfectly. For the first time in all my history at Degrassi I will be wearing **HEALS** and not just any simple heals, but three inch heals. I know that's not very high, but Alex said I should start a little small, at least until I get used to them and you know what, I think I trust her. I put on red lipstick and fling my hair so that it's messy and unkempt. I do the rest of my make-up and look into that mirror again and it's like I'm not even there anymore. I don't recognize the girl I see and that's just how I like it.

Fifteen minutes later I'm out my bedroom window and in front of Degrassi Community School. I feel like all the air around me has changed and it's time for me to be new, I gotta go for it. And that's just what I did; I walked right up those stairs and entered the school to introduce them to the new me. As I walk pass a group of lockers I spot Alex who gives me a supportive smirk and **Jay** who seems so lost, I don't even think he's noticed that I've changed. I kinda feel bad for him. I mean it is my fault that he's feeling this way. I just thought if anyone could do what I needed and not feel anything it would be Jay. I guess I miscalculated how human Jay actually is. Oh well, that's his problem now, not mine. Time to please my audience.

The day was going perfectly. Everyone was talking about my change. Sadly they only saw the outer change; none of them saw the change on the inside. **NO ONE** knew what it was all like for me and why. They just saw what I wanted and for now that's enough. My next and last class of the day is the only class I have with Manny and my lovely step-father. YEAH. I've avoided Manny pretty much all day, skipping lunch, speeding into classes when I saw her, I just wasn't ready to hear her view on my new look. My dad was another thing; I knew he wouldn't like it. It wasn't the Emma he's grown to love like his own, but then again **I'M** not the Emma he's grown to love either. So walking into Media Immersion was interesting. The first thing I heard when I got in there was….

"Emma! Oh my God what happened to you?"

"Nothing Manny, I just was looking for a new look." I lied. Hey, she wouldn't understand and I didn't want to have to explain it to her, so I gave a shallow answer that I knew she would like.

"Wow Em, you look terrific." Of course she would think so. She's to damn dense to notice that I don't care, but whatever, I guess she's trying to be supportive. I can't hate her for that.

If only everything was as easy as my conversation with Manny. My dad hadn't been facing the class the entire time I was talking to Manny. He didn't even see me yet.

"Okay class today we'll be tal…."

He just noticed me.

"Um…um…Class, free time for the rest of the period. Emma may I see you outside." Here we go. He's pissed, I can tell even though he's talking in his nice guy voice. So I just get up and walk out the door with him. I just stare at him like he's crazy. Hell, I'm not going to make this easy for him.

"Emma, what are you wearing?"

"Clothes" I laugh a little just to make him made. I don't care if he doesn't like it. Its part of the new me and he's just gonna have to except it or get over it. Either way I'm not changing back.

"Em, you know what I mean. What do you think you're wearing? This is very inappropriate for you to be wearing in school." What did he know? This was very tamed compared to how some girls in our school dressed. Hell, Manny's dress twice as trashy last week.

"So…does this have a point or are you just gonna keep saying the same thing to me?" He was starting to get on my nerves. He's not my fucking father. He can't tell me how to dress. I mean he stopped his entire class for this, they're just clothes. He can kiss my ass with his concern.

"Emma, there's no need for you to get snappy with me; I'm just worried about you." There it was. The final straw. I couldn't take it anymore. _'I'm just worried about you'_. I hated those words and after hearing them I lost it.

"SNAKE, YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER! YOU HAVE NO SAY IN WHAT I DO OR HOW I DRESS. FOR ALL I CARE YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL WITH YOUR **CONCERN**."

I couldn't take it anymore I just walked away. Fuck Snake and everything about him that loves me for who I was. I can hear him yelling my name, but I don't turn around, instead I walk straight out the doors to Degrassi and right into my next problem.


	10. How do you heal Fresh Wounds?

Besides for avoiding Manny all day I had also been avoiding Jay like the plague. I just couldn't face him. The guilt was too much for me right now. Just my luck the second I run out of the school I would literally run right into him. Just GREAT.

"Sorry" he mumbles really softly and doesn't even look up at me when he does. It's weird seeing him this way. So scared, so sad, so **UN-Jay**. He tries to walk away really fast toward his car, but I'll be damned if I let it end this way.

"Jay, hold up. Why are you acting so weird around me?" Like I didn't already know.

"Emma…Can we not do this" That was the first time he's ever called me by my real name. It kinda scares me to see that.

"Not do what?" Oh we were gonna do this even if he didn't want to. Last thing I needed as the new Emma was to feel bad for JAY.

"This" motions his hands in between himself and me "talking about…don't make me say it." Wow it really bothered him.

"You mean us having sex." I said it so plain and with no feeling. I think this caught him off guard because he had this shocked look on his face. It was Priceless.

"Yeah…that. Well, if that's what you wanna call it."

"Yeah, that's what I call it. Why wouldn't I?" I think I just wanted to push him.

"I don't know, maybe because you were YELLING AT ME TO HURT YOU!" Maybe I should have left it alone.

"Oh, that."

"Yeah, that. Emma…I'm so sorry, okay." Wow he's apologizing, but WHY?

"NO! You can't be sorry. You didn't do anything I didn't ask you to."

"Exactly! I should've stopped, I should've… I should've…" he just stopped talking and began to walk away again. This time faster, like he was determined to reach his car before I got a chance to speak. I wasn't going to let it end this way. I hate to say it, but I need Jay. He takes me away from the old Emma. I know that with him there I can't revert back.

"Jay, wait!" I walk up real close to him now. "Let me make it up to you. Let me make it fun for you this time." I owed it to him and I needed it to feel something other than regret and guilt.

"Emma…" Right before he gets to give me his answer Alex walks up to us. Good thing too. There was a little bit too much tension in the air.

"So Jay, where are we going anyway?" Those were the first things out of her mouth before noticing me standing just a little too close to Jay.

"Did I interrupt something? When you saw me on Saturday you didn't tell me you and Jay were a thing."

"Were not." Both Jay and I said it in unison. For about a millisecond we shared this awkward look. Thank God Alex was there to interrupt it.

"O…Kay. So Greenpeace, you coming with us or what?"

"Sure on one condition."

"What?" She said with a curious smirk

"No more calling me Greenpeace."

"Okay…EMMA, so you coming or not?"

"Coming." I smile at Alex and Jay gives me this weird look. It's not exactly pissed, but it's not friendly either. Me and Alex walk the rest of the way to the car and get in. Jay is still standing there in that same spot just staring blankly.

I'm gonna have to do something special for him. And who knows it might also end up being special for me.


	11. Come What May

**_Author's Note: I am sooooooooooooo sorry I haven't been posting regularly. My internet at my house is messed up and isn't working, so I haven't been able to post my story. I feel really bad because I hate when I have to wait a long time to read a story I like and I really didn't want to do that to my readers. All of you who read my story are great and I hope you can forgive me for the delay. However, it may take me another week or two to post again after this because my internet is still messed up and I don' t know when it's going to be fixed. Luckily, I was able to get to a computer when my family went out of town and can post this now. I hope you enjoy it and please leave reviews, comments, suggestion, anything for me_**

"_Coming."_

All I have to do is breath. One more day, one more hour, one more minute and I'll be free of her. At one point in time I believed that, but I guess you already know it doesn't exactly work out that way. Emma was special. She was one of those "go somewhere" people and hanging with me and Alex turned her into what we were, "go NOwhere" people. I could have said no to her coming with us, but instead I just stood there staring into space. I felt it. You know, the second you realize something bad will happen. Yeah, I felt it. So to stall time I just stood there and hoped it was a bad dream. Too bad it wasn't.

"Jay… Are you coming or what?" Alex was always so impatient and she couldn't change for even one day. So I did what I had to do.

"Yeah, let's go." What else was I going to say, No I think something bad will happen if we bring Nelson with us. I think not. I'm Jay Fucking Hogart. Emotions get left at the door.

About an hour's drive away we were at my buddy Chase's place. It was cool cuz the party was bumping. Just one problem, I had to baby-sit Nelson. Not that I wanted to, but Alex threatened me and I wasn't in the mood to fight with her on it so I said yeah.

So for the next hour or so Nelson hung in close to me. I noticed she was acting really fidgety.

"What's up your ass?"

"Nothing…" Why does she always have to be difficult? Why can't she just tell me and let it be done? I mean, damn it's not everyday that I even give a flying fuck about anyone. You'd think she'd feel special, but this is Nelson we're talking about.

I wanted her to calm down. Her being nervous and uneasy made me annoyed and pissed. I thought about the last party and how calm she was then. It could work again and it's not like it's going to hurt her. Hell I just want to have fun and if putting Emma into a drug induced relaxation will do that then so be it. Hell if I care.

"Come here" I pull her into a side room and sit her down at one of the in-tables. "Take this and don't ask any questions." I pull out the baggy and watch as she takes it to her nose and sniffs it up with no hesitation. It took me a minute to realize that she knew I would give it to her. That she knew I would get tired of her fussing. That…she played me and was faking that entire time. Why else would she take it so willingly and without asking me about it like last time? **SHE KNEW** and that scared the living shit out of me cuz I fell into it so easy.

With all that realization pushed to the back of my mind we went back to the party and actually had some fun. Emma was dancing all up on me and let's just say there were no complaints coming from me. Next thing you know we're up against a wall in the back corner of Chase's house practically tearing each other apart. God I've never wanted anyone so bad in my entire life. So…we were at a party and we were both a little high and drunk and let me tell you Sprout gets kinda kinky when she's on drugs.

She starts whispering in my ear, "Jay, fuck me."

"Okay…let's get out of her."

"No…fuck me right here."

"Right here?!" Was she fucking nuts?

"Yeah." Before I knew it she had taken off her underwear and began to unzip my pants. I've never felt harder then at this exact moment. I was just about to lift up her skirt to enter her when an old friend walked up to us.

"Yo, Jay my man, what's good?" Can't he see that I'm busy? I was just about to finally enjoy myself and here comes this dumbass ruining it for me.

"Nothing much, just partaking in the festivities" I said looking Emma up and down. She had this knowing smile on her face like she knew exactly what was going through my mind.

"I here you…So who's this sexy ass chick you got here?"

"Oh…Nelson. Nelson this is Michael."

"So…does this Nelson have a first name?" This time she spoke up.

"It's Emma."

"Well, well…Nice to meet you Emma." What the hell did he think he was doing? Trying to flirt with her after seeing me about to jump her bones. See this is why I fucking hate Michael. He always knows how to ruin something good. I was fed up with him.

"Yeah…Well this has been fun, but Emma and I gotta go." I couldn't have walked away fast enough.

Two minutes later we were in one of the bedrooms in Chase's house and this time I had the time of my life. Nelson is a quick study. I guess doing all that school work and being dedicated to tasks prepared her for something after all.


	12. Sinking Sand

Having sex with Jay a second time was so much different then the first. I mean it wasn't painful or dark…It was kinda sweet and it felt sooooooooo good. I mean Jay really knows what he's doing. I'm so glad he gave me a second chance to make it up to him about the entire **"HURT ME"** thing. He looked happy too and that made me feel so good…Knowing that I pleased him and that he didn't hate me for what I made him do to me.

After we were done I guess he was tired cuz next thing I know he was fast asleep. Jay almost looks completely human and sweet when he's sleep…ALMOST. I didn't feel like waking him so I just left him there and went back down to the party. It was so much fun. The drugs Jay gave to me earlier really helped me to relax. I have a secret. I was faking being nervous and fidgety all night cuz I figured Jay would give me something to relax like last time. So I played it up until I knew he would get tired of me and give in. He did. Only thing is, I think he knows that I was faking. And if he knows he may never give it me again…and I need it. I'm a smart girl? Or at least I think I am. I can find a new way to get what I need… without bothering Jay.

So back to the party. I found Alex about five minutes after coming downstairs. She's really cool…if you're on her good side that is. Me and her were having so much fun dancing with random guys and dancing with each other to fuck with the minds of all the guys in the room. It was the time of my life. I've never felt so good. While we were dancing this guy came up to me. I'd seen him earlier when I was with Jay, but I didn't pay him any attention…it was all on Jay. But he seems nice and asks me to dance, so being the nice person I am a say sure.

While we're dancing on the floor he starts talking.

"Your really pretty, I can see why your Jay's girlfriend." Was this boy crazy?

"I'm NOT Jay's girlfriend." I was almost in tears, it was so funny.

"But, I saw you with him earlier. I just figured…"

"Me and Jay, we're just…just…FRIENDS."_ FRIENDS_. Can you really call me and jay friends? I KNOW I'm not his girlfriend, but his friend? It just seemed like the simplest thing to say at the time.

"Well, well…How's bout you and me become friends?" He had this devilish smile, but it was sweet too. Something about it said it wasn't trustworthy, but I tend to look for the good it people. I guess that's what I was doing…looking for the good.

"Okay…You can be my friend" I said it kinda flirtatiously. I don't know if I meant it to sound that way, but that's how it came out.

"How about we start…NOW." And with that he planted this big kiss on me. It didn't exactly feel right, but he was sooooo nice and he deserved something for actually WANTING me. So I kissed him back full force and we began to move upstairs.

I don't know exactly how it happened, but within seconds my panties were on the floor and this guy was on top of me. I second later he had entered me and before I had a chance to blink, I was having sex for the second time that night…and not with the same person. It made me feel DIRTY. And I hated that feeling. I weirdest thing started to happen. I began to cry. Right in the middle of SEX with…with…and I don't even remember his name.

I was crying so hard and felt so low and the worst part about it is that he didn't stop. I was in tears and sobbing so loud and it didn't even faze him…See what I mean about he always think people are better than what they are. When he was done I just wanted to get out of there. It was my fault. I allowed him to and I made myself into a whore.** A DIRTY WHORE!** I wanted to leave. I needed to leave. But as I went to leave the room he grabbed me. He looked kinda disappointed.

"Why are you leaving? I thought…I thought you liked me." He looked so sad and hurt. I didn't want to hurt him.

"I'm sorry. I just need to go." I said it so simple and calm. I hoped he'd understand…He didn't.

"WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN YOU NEED TO GO?!" I tried to explain, but he kept on yelling. "YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, YOU HERE ME! YOUR MINE. YOU AGREED, YOU STUPID WHORE! NOBODY LEAVES ME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT YOU UNDERSTAND ME!" He was squeezing my wrist soooo hard and it hurt so much. I was sooo scared and he just wouldn't let go.

"I SEE…I NEED TO TEACH YOU YOU'RE PLACE! STUPID BITCH DOESN'T KNOW HER PLACE! I'LL SHOW YOU…YEAH I'LL SHOW YOU…." He hit me really hard across the face and pushed me onto the bed and…and…he RAPED me.


	13. Stuck

The entire time he was telling me to say things.

"Say that I'm your man"

"You're my man"

"Say you understand your place"

"I understand my place"

"Say you're a stupid whore"

I started to cry harder. "SAY IT!"

"I'm a stupid whore."

"Say you're going to stay with me"

"I'm going to stay with you."

"Say my name"

I couldn't remember it and this made madder. He hit me harder. This time I felt it all the way to my spine.

"Say Michael"

"Michael" I cried out in pain and he was finally done. It scared me to be here with him, but even more to leave. Michael wasn't nice…Not at all.

Twenty minutes later I had put myself together and headed downstairs with Michael. He threatened me to leave him. He said if I did, he'd hurt me and anyone else I cared about. When we were back with the rest of the party Jay and Alex came up to me saying we had to head back. I looked at Michael, who didn't look too happy with Jay and Alex trying to take me away from him, but he let me go, not before telling me he owned me and if I stepped out of line I'd have hell to pay. Jay and Alex didn't hear a word of this. They were already waiting in the car.

Weirdly enough it took us longer to get home then to the party. Two hours later it was 2:36 am and I was finally home. I was so happy you don't understand how grateful I was to finally be home. I just wanted to forget the night and start over the next day. But like I've said a million times before I'M NOT THAT LUCKY.

The second I stepped into my house I came face to face with my mother and Snake. Not to mention I smelled like the inside of a bar and looked ten times worst. This was not going to be the least bit good. All I really remember was a lot of yelling coming from my mom and Snake.

"What do you have to say for yourself?!" (Snake spoke first)

"What's gotten into you? Staying out all night, dressing like a tramp, and…are you drunk?!" (Mom)

I didn't say a word. I stood there and let them rant on about nothing of importance.

"Em, are you even listening to us?!" (Mom) She was mad.

"WELL?!" (Snake) I said the first thing that came into mind

"Nope." It was that simple. One word, one syllable and I walked right past them into my room. No explanation, no nothing and I think it really shocked them cuz they didn't come down to my room or anything.

Now all I have to worry about is Michael and our "relationship". God do I wish I had some drugs right now. Anything to make it all go away.


	14. The Black Hole that I Am

The next few weeks went by pretty fast. I mean in just a few months my rep at school completely changed, no more Greenpeace or CauseGirl. I was now Emma the new member of Jay's crew and…_GIRLFRIEND_ of MICHAEL. I hated that part. Michael was so cruel to me. He treated me like shit and made me feel lower than dirt ALL THE TIME. I had no one to go to. Jay and Alex had become great friends, but I felt so weak and stupid. I just couldn't let them know; they'd laugh at me and think I was pathetic.

My dates with Michael were worst than anything I have ever experienced in my entire life. He hurt me…a lot and the things he's done to me during sex…has been…just awful. I don't know what to do. He's so strong and so scary and I'm too weak to fight him. I don't want to die and I don't want him to hurt me worst than he already has. He can do much worse, I know he can. So I stay and try my hardest to leave with what he does to me.

The only thing that gets me through the pain anymore is the drugs. I don't get them from Jay anymore. He's become all noble and justified when it comes to me. I guess that means he's started to care about, but that's not gonna help me get my fix and I need it so bad right now. Michael has a friend named Eddie. Eddie's really cool and the best part about him is…he sells drugs. He gives me a discount cuz I'm Michael's girlfriend and cuz he says I'm good at what I do. You see I don't have a job…and can't afford to by the drugs from Eddie…so…he settles for _OTHER THINGS_. Like sex. It's not always sex, sometimes its blowjobs or hand jobs, but if I want the good stuff I have to do things to not just him, but some of his "partners".

I forgot to mention that my rep at school isn't for just being in Jay's crew, it's also for being a whore. All of my "friends" have abandoned me. Even Manny has stopped talking to me. She said I was ruining the little bit of respect people had for her. Some friend, right? Who cares, I still have Jay and Alex as friends. Fuck Manny, who needs her?

Home life hasn't been so great. Since my late night partying when I met Michael my parents and I have been fighting constantly. I think they hate me. We yell all the time and never talk anymore. At nights when I'm actually home I can here my mom crying in her room. It hurts to know that I've caused her so much pain, so I drown myself in the drugs I take and temporarily escape the guilt. Snake doesn't look at me the same anymore. He always looks so disappointed in me, like I've let him down. Michael says I shouldn't care about them, that all I need is him, but I don't want him and I wish HE WOULD JUST **DIE.**

I don't know how everything got SO screwed up. I just wanted to start over and be someone new. I didn't want this, but I deserve it because I've hurt so many people. At least I have the drugs to keep me going. And as long as Michael doesn't find out how I pay for them everything should be fine.

That's the only thing that gets me through my days is thinking that everything is fine as long as nothing comes in and makes in bad. But you already know…I'm not that lucky, never have been.


	15. Seperated

The weirdest thing happened a week ago. Michael told me I had to stay away from Jay. Not any of the other members of the crew, like Alex, but Jay all of a sudden is off limits to me. Isn't that weird, all out of the blue like that. One thing I've learned from being with Michael is that you do what you're told and don't ask questions if you aren't ready for the answer. His answers are usually accompanied with his fists.

So I avoid Jay like the plague in and out of school, which I have to say sucks cuz we've become great friends. It really sucks that I have to lose him when we've finally found a way to be around each other without awkwardness, regret, or frustration. It hurts to walk away from him and act as if he doesn't exist. I hate Michael so much for making me do this. I've never hated anyone or anything as much as I do Michael, no even Sean and he broke my heart, no once but three times.

I was just leaving school when I felt someone grab me. I turned to see…

"Jay…" It pained me to say his name because in a way I'd betrayed him.

"So, I see you still remember my name."

"Jay, is there a point to this? Michael's waiting for me." I said annoyed.

"Michael's waiting for me." He said in his best imitation of me. "That little prick can chill. As for me and you, WE need to have a little talk." He wasn't asking in any way. It was more of a demand.

"Okay, you got five minutes. You can speak while I walk to the Dot." I had to be on time to meet Michael and if dragging Jay along with me would spare me the wrath of Michael then I'd take it. So we walked.

"What's been up your ass for the past week?"

"Nothing, just been busy. Why?" Like I didn't already know.

"I don't know. Maybe because you've been ducking and dodging me everyday for the past week."

"Oh, that." I had to think fast. "Jay, I just need my own space and time to think. God! You act like you own me. Last time I checked Michael was my boyfriend, NOT YOU!" At the time anger seemed like the easiest way out of this conversation. Making Jay mad makes him forget things.

"What the hell is up with YOU?! I just wanted my friend to stop acting like she doesn't know me!"

Silence. I didn't know what to say. He wasn't wrong and last time I checked the bad guy in this scene wasn't Jay it was MICHAEL.

"You know what kid? You can go to hell and take that bitch of a boyfriend with you! I'm done trying to kiss your ass. You're not worth it." And he walked away.

I have to say that hurt. I didn't want to lose Jay, but I had to. Yet the fact that he really thinks that I have no worth is almost laughable because I've known that for a lot longer than it took him to figure out. Oh well, back to Michael.

"Who were you talking to?" He almost sounded nice but I've grown to know better.

Silence.

"Emma, I asked you a question. Don't make me ask you again." He said it with such forcefulness, but didn't raise his voice once.

"Jay." I said it softer than a whisper

"I knew it. Get your stuff; we're going to my place." This isn't good. In a public place I'm safe, in private it's a whole other story.

"Okay" I was trying my hardest not to cry. Not here, not in front of everyone.

When we got to Michael's place, not a second after I stepped inside was a on the floor curled in the fetal position being pummeled with fists and feet. More pain, but this time to my flesh and not my soul.


	16. Bleed Me Dry

After the beating I got from Michael and my conversation with Jay I needed a boost. So I took a stroll down to the Ravine to meet my favorite dealer, Eddie. God, did I love what Eddie had to give me. I would do anything for it and…I have. As soon as I get into the Ravine I spot Eddie sitting on a backseat from a car that's positioned on the grass. I walk slowly but you can see the urgency in my eyes and movements.

"Hey, Eddie…Um…I was wondering if…you had _SOMETHING_…for me?" I hated that I sounded so desperate.

"That depends on how you perform." He had this cocky smile that made me sick to my stomach every time I saw it. "After you."

I didn't have to ask what he meant. I knew all too well by now. I walked steadily to the van and hopped in. I waited for him to enter and the degradation to begin. The entire time he was on top of me I was thinking of what was to come. The fix I would get, that high that I've grown to love more than my own life. Yeah, it was worth it.

When he was done we hoped out of the van and he turned to me.

"Here. You were worth every bit of it." He had this satisfyingly smug look on his face. I wanted to claw at it, but in my hand was all I needed to escape myself.

"Whatever." He barely heard me and I walked away. Out of the Ravine and into a small area in the Park near the jungle gym where I could get high without any distractions.

Just as I sniffed that magnificent substance up my nose I heard footsteps come up from behind me. It almost didn't register to me until I heard a voice yell out my name.

"EMMA!" It was Michael.

"Hey…babe. What are you doing out here at this time of night?" I was too high to notice that he wasn't at all happy.

"BETTER QUESTION IS WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING WITH EDDIE IN THE VAN!"

For a second my heart stopped. I didn't see him there and I've been so careful to make sure he didn't find out. Where did I go wrong, what did I miss?

"It's not what you're thinking" Even in my high state I was scared.

"DON'T LIE TO ME!" I didn't get too much time to think or even to give an explanation.

"I was…" Next thing I see is his fist coming at me repeatedly, a pain in my chest and face that was like no other beating before. I felt like I was going to die and hoped that it would be quicker than it was. Then came this overcoming wave of darkness and I was gone from every thing. The pain, the hurt, the sadness all melted away into darkness. I think I was almost relieved because for a second there I was one step closer to being dead like I've been praying for, for almost a year now.


	17. As the hours past You slip away

**_Author's Note: I'm back after a long wait, but not officially just yet. My stupid computer is still being stupid, but I'm gonna try to get you updates whenever I can. Hopefully you're still reading this and if so send me your comments and feedback. I am always happy to know what you think of my story._**

**23hours 15minutes and 28seconds.**

That's how long it's been since I last saw Emma. Yeah, so I told her she could go to hell, but Emma was still my girl. Not MY GIRL, but like I needed to watch over her and protect her. Recently she's been falling fast. Ever since that dumb ass Michael came into the picture it's been like she's gotten worse.

I let her into my crew as a way to watch out for her. It no longer had anything to do with Sean wanting me to watch her for him, but about the fact that sometime between her losing her fucking mind and Chase's party I actually started to care about her. She's actually not so bad. So, she bitches a lot, but she's stronger than she thinks. She's been trying so hard to let go of her issues that she just holds on to new ones to make it seem like the other ones have disappeared. The only ones that know it's all a front is me and Alex.

**23hours 45minutes and 19seconds.**

No one even cares that she's gone. I've talked to Simpson, Slutos, the Nerd, and all those other idiots she was friends with, and none of them even care that she's gone. Simpson was saying that she's done this before and will be home by tomorrow. I don't believe that because any time she's left or run off for a day or two I've been with her. Either me or Alex has been right there with her, but Alex doesn't know where she is either. I'm starting to get real worried, which is something I don't do. I'm fucking Jay Hogart, feelings of anything besides for anger and frustration aren't supposed to exist.

Alex has been trying to keep me calm, but I don't think it's working. I feel like it's my fault that she's gone. It told her she wasn't worth anything because I knew it would get to her. She's very insecure and I knew it would her hurt her and I wanted it to because she was hurting me. That's how we are with each other. I hurt her and she hurts me, then we reverse it and do it again.

Damn I need to find her.

**35hours 47minutes and 32seconds.**

WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?! THAT LITTLE BITCH ASS BOYFRIEND OF HERS IS A REAL ASS! I RAN INTO HIM AND I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE CAN BE SUCH A DICK! See this is exactly why I can't stand him.

I was just walking out of the Dot when I see Michael going to his car.

"Yo, Mike. What's up?"

"Hey Jay." He seemed nervous for some reason.

"Hey, I was wondering if you've seen Emma around" He was her boyfriend. If anyone knew where she was it'd be him.

"Uh….NO. I haven't seen her at all. Not at all. Nope, haven't seen her." It was weird how he keeps repeating himself, like I didn't believe him.

"O…..Kay. I guess I'll see you then" I knew he was lying, but what did he have to lie about. I had a bad feeling about this and the only thing that was going to get rid of it was seeing Emma.

**40hours 53minutes and 10seconds.**

WHERE IS SHE?! Oh God, please if I never get anything good in my life again at least give me Emma. PLEASE. She's too good of a person to have anything bad happen to her.

GOD EMMA WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	18. To be without her

"Mr. Hogart she's asking for you. I firmly suggest that you don't aggravate her or cause her any stress. She's been through a lot. That poor girl being beaten like that…I hope they find who did this to her. She's so pretty, even with all those bruises."

"Yeah."

"You two must be very close. You've been here since she arrived. Are you her boyfriend?"

"Uh…no. We're just close…friends."

"Oh. Well here's her room. I think she'll be happy to see you."

"Thanks."

It was almost 48 hours before I found her. I was going to the park to blow off some steam and to try to stop thinking about her being gone. Next thing I know I trip over something big. When I looked down it was Emma. For a second my whole world stopped. I didn't know how much she meant to me until that exact moment that I saw here lying there bloody and motionless. It took me 28 minutes to get her to the hospital. I've never had to try so hard to stop myself from crying. After I got her to the emergency room the doctors and nurses took over from there.

I went back to my car to try and collect myself. I noticed that there was a stain on my backseat from all the blood she lost while lying in my car. That's when it hit me… Emma could die. I couldn't handle it so I called the one person I could count on… Alex. She was there as soon as humanly possible and I just broke down in front of her. I was crying so hard I couldn't control myself and Alex understood.

You see my past has given me reasons to not be able to deal with this and ever since that time in my life I haven't been able to handle women being bruised or hurt in any way. Now watching Emma so helpless just brings me back to that time and I can't take it.

Eventually I stopped crying and with Alex's help went back into the hospital to wait. The doctor came out a few times and said some type of gibberish about Emma's condition. All I could tell from all the words he was throwing at me was that it wasn't good. Alex couldn't handle the hospital after an hour or two and she left. I couldn't blame her. She and Emma had grown really close and seeing that she might lose her is something Alex isn't good at dealing with.

I called Emma's parents and her old friends. None of them were coming. They didn't even ask if she was okay. It's like they couldn't let go of who Emma became while she was so close to dying. If you ask me that was super fucked up. Far worse then anything I've ever done to anyone I've known.

And now I'm standing outside her door afraid to go in because she might see the true feelings I have for her. She might see through my badass front and actually understand why I keep her around. I sort of get why Sean hung onto her so long. She's special and there's just something about her that takes over your every emotion and need in the world. I guess you can just say that I was completely terrified of how she was gonna react to me because whether I wanted to admit it or not I cared about her, but not in the way you're thinking. I couldn't lose her…Not again.

"Hey, they said you wanted to see me."

"I did."


	19. The worth of this woman

"_Hey, they said you wanted to see me."_

"_I did."_

"Good, you don't know how worried I was about you…"

"Jay"

"I mean I've been sitting out there for hours, just trying…"

"Jay"

"…to find out if you were okay. I mean god Emma what…"

"JAY!" I got completely silent. "Jay, I did, so I could tell you that I want you to leave."

"What?! I don't understand."

"You never do! I told you before that I don't need you smothering me, now leave!"

"But Emma…I…"

"NO! Michael will get mad and I can't have him…him…what happened…just go…PLEASE!"

"Wait, so this is about Michael?" She wouldn't answer me. "I said, so this is about Michael?!"

"YES!"

"So, is he the reason for all of this?"

"Yes" she said it in a whisper and as soon as the word was out of her mouth I couldn't believe what she had told me. I only had one question.

"How long?"

"Since we first started dating"

"I'LL KILL HIM!"

"No Jay, you can't!"

"The Hell I can!

"Jay it's not that bad. Seriously."

"Not that bad...NOT THAT BAD!...Emma, you're in the hospital."

"So!"

"YOU COULD'VE DIED!"

"So what! You said it yourself, I'm not worth anything!"

"I was mad I didn't mean it."

"Really, so who else came with you. Is my mom here with flowers, how about Snake, did ANYONE even ask if I was okay?" I couldn't answer her because the answer would prove her right. "See, I am worthless."

"No you're not and what Michael is doing to you is wrong. Now if you won't come to your senses and do something about it I will."

I was pissed and I wasn't gonna stand there and listen to Emma's craziness one second longer. I had something to take care of in the form of Emma's bitch ass boyfriend MICHAEL. He was gonna suffer just like he had made Emma suffer, but much worse.


	20. Judgement Day

I couldn't believe Emma. How could she become one of those women? How could she be so, so weak? I mean she fights for everything in the world, but allows some ass who isn't even worthy of what I'm going to do to him beat her senseless.

I can't take this! Emma was supposed to be different. She was supposed to be strong, but instead she's become one of THEM. One of those women who you see in those stupid movie of the week stories that are filled with B and C list actors. I just don't get how SHE could put up with that.

I couldn't breathe in that hospital room anymore. Seeing Emma like that reminded me to much of HER. That weak anger and rigid acceptances was so much like HER. I couldn't stand to see it happen again. Happen to another woman I needed to be strong. It was like looking into a time glass. Same story and rhythm as before, but somehow more painful than last time because I already know how it ends. And let's just say it's not pretty or magical, but cruel and scarring.

My throat was closing at each word she uttered. Her brown eyes looked so dull and that's all it took for me to lose it. NOT AGAIN! I WOULD NOT STAND AROUND AND DO NOTHING AGAIN! I could barely live with myself the first time; I couldn't make it a second time. You see before there was so much blood, so many tears, and tons of pain. It changes you. Seeing something like that alters you about as much as being the one it happens to. That's how I knew what had to be done. Michael had to suffer, and I was going to be the one to make sure he did.

I couldn't protect HER, but I would protect Emma. **I HAD TO**_BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY._ All I had to do was find Michael.

It took me an hour to find Michael and it did nothing to cool my steam. If anything I was more pissed than before. I saw him walking down the Forbes Ave. and immediately road my car onto the sidewalk in front of him to make sure he knew I was stopping for him.

"Hey Mikey. How've you been?"

"Fine. Jay, what do you want?" He seemed nervous. Good.

"To talk. Is that cool?" I had the evilest grin on my face. Taking in the pleasure of his discomfort.

"Ye...Yeah…I…guess that's cool."

"Good…Get in" Time to play.

We had been riding in silence for what seemed like about 15 minutes before I said a thing to him. All to make sure he was scared out of him mind.

"So…Mikey. What's new?"

"Nothing." He looked confused

"You know I hear you're a big man now. Yep Mikey grew a pair. Cracking skulls in every which way. Ain't that right?"

"I…I guess."

"You guess? Either you do or you don't Mikey, which is it?"

"I…I do. Yeah I crack skulls."

"That a boy. Yep Mikey's a real man now. Not like those bitches who take all their anger out on women. Nope you're a REAL man. Ain't that right Mikey?"

"Yeah."

"You know there is nothing that I hate more than I guy who hits a woman. You see my mom was beat by my dad when I was kid. Ever since then I've HATED seeing a woman in pain like that. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah. I totally agree."

"Good. You know my dad would beat my mom for the smallest things. A look she'd give that he didn't like, or a dress that he didn't want to see her in, the wrong makeup. That type of stuff. Crazy right?"

"Yeah, crazy."

"You see one day my mom cooked the pot roast too tender for my dad's liking and he bashed her head in with the baking pan she was cooking with. I've never seen so much blood in my entire life. Crazy thing is he did it right in front of me. In fact he made me watch her beg for her life and after he was done he had me clean up the blood. Guess how old I was."

"I…I…I don't know…10"

"Nope…8. That's right, I was 8 years old. Kinda heavy shit to deal with at that age don't you think?"

"Yeah…Real heavy."

"But, you know it taught me ONE thing..."

"What's that?"

"To never let it happen again."

The rest of the ride was silent. He didn't dare speak to me and I was too much drawn into my past and Emma's current life that I needed the silence to evaluate what I was going to do. About 20 minutes later we had reached our destination. It was perfect. Dark, secluded, no people for miles. PERFECT

"Hey Mikey, let's take a little walk."

"Where…I mean why…wh…wh…where are we?"

"I'm not gonna ask again…Now Mikey, GET OUT OF THE CAR!" I didn't yell but the sternness in my voice wasn't to be questioned.

We walked for about 5 minutes before we reached the spot.

"So…you ready to be judged?"


	21. In the land of Ruin

Oh my god, what have I done. I was just so mad and pissed off and I thought that this would make it better, but I think I just caused myself more problems. Why'd I have to do it? All I had to do was bury my anger and let time pass. Maybe then it would have gotten better. Maybe then my anger would have faded and everything I've been dealing with would all fall into place. But no I had to do the dumbest thing in the world. It's just great how I always seem to make a bad situation worst with one move.

Why'd I make him leave? He's the last person that cares about me and I turn him away as if he were nothing at all. I don't get why Jay even comes within **FIFTY FEET** of me. Why'd I take my anger out on him? It was all Michael's fault I knew that, but I couldn't change my relationship with Michael and it was becoming too much to hold to myself. Poor Jay, after all of this time still holding fast to me as a slip even further under the water. It's so sad how badly I've ruined him, how far I've made him fall just to be the stable force in my life.

For months now he's been my punching bag and he's taken every hit, kick, and punch like a soldier. I owe it to him to let him go and that's what I've done, let him go. It probably hasn't sunk in for him yet, but he'll get it and one day he'll thank me for it. Yeah, he'll thank me. It just killed me to see him walk out of the hospital room. Now I'm completely **ALONE**.

But I deserve to be alone and Jay deserves a better friend. Ironic isn't it. I'm the bad friend in me and Jay's friendship. Who would have thought Emma Nelson would be the friend to bring down **JAY**. But it's true and this has to be the one good thing I do before I go back to Michael.

Michael will be the end of me; I just know it and I'm prepared for the bliss that comes with our parting gift. Michael may be the worst form of life I have ever met, but he just may be the one thing that can fulfill my every dream since the day Sean left.

I hate how nothing has worked out. I tried so **HARD** to make it all go away, but it hasn't and it never will. Everything I touch turns to shit and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of looking into the eyes of the few friends I have and knowing that slowly but surely I'm breaking them. Sad part about it is, they don't even know it. Alex and Jay have been so good to me and I'm breaking them down.

Jay freaks out all the time over me and what I'm doing to myself and how I'm doing. Now Alex is just as bad. I've never know how much of a good person she could be until we got closer. She looks out for me and is almost twice as protective as Jay. Why should I ruin those parts of these two people. They mean so much to me and I just leave them hanging **EVERY TIME**.

Jay walking out of the hospital was a good thing. For him anyway. And as soon as I'm out of the hospital I'm going to free Alex too. They don't need someone like me bringing them down.

I deserved every bit of Michael's punishment and every bit of pain I'm going through right now. God why'd it have to be so hard. Why'd I have to cause so much pain and and and…

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Emma whipped her teary eyes and cleared her throat.

"Yes, come in."

The door opens to reveal the one person she thought was lost to her.

"Jay. You came back"


	22. Everything for HER

"_Jay. You came back"_

Damn it felt good to hear her voice sound happy to see me. I need it after…Emma needs me and I'll never let her down no matter what. NEVER.

"Yeah, you didn't think you bitching me out was really gonna keep me from being here for you did you?"

"Well, truth be told yeah, I did."

"You were just mad Sprout. It takes a lot more to screw with me."

"Oh. Then why'd it take you so long to come back."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you left like **3 HOURS** ago. If it didn't get to you then why'd it take you so long to come back."

Where was this coming from. Why the third degree. God if she knew that…

"Why does it matter? I'm here now."

"NO! Answer the question!"

"Em, come on lets not fight. You've been through enough tonight and I just wanna be here. Okay."

"Yeah. Sorry, I'm just a little on edge about everything, You know."

"Yeah."

Good, peace. I couldn't take arguing with her right now. I didn't have it in me. I've done to much and I just…CAN'T

"Jay, come lay next to me. I kinda need it right now."

"Sure. Anytime kid."

If she need me I'd be there for her. Whether she knew it or not I was going to protect her by any means necessary.

"Jay, what's that red stuff on the sleeve of your shirt."

"What red stuff" I said with a small nervous giggle.

"That right there. It looks kinda brown around the edges of it. Where'd that come from?"

"Em, you know I'd do anything to keep you safe right?"

She looked confused but answered anyway.

"Yeah. I know."

"I'll never let anyone hurt you."

"Jay, what is all this about?"

"Nothing, just promise me that no matter what happens you'll always remember that anything I've ever done since the day we've became friends was for you."

"Jay, did something happen, are you going somewhere? What's wrong with you?"

"Just PROMISE ME."

"Okay. I promise."

**_Author's Note: Don't worry the thing with Jay and Michael will be revealed. I won't leave it like that._**


	23. Unraveling

That day in the hospital seems so far away now. It's been about three and a half weeks since Jay asked me to make him that promise and he still hasn't told me why. These three weeks has been very hard for me. Since I've been hurt it's been near impossible for me to get any drugs. It hurts so much to not be using and I hate the dry and unfocused feeling I seem to be stuck in without it. I'm not sure if Jay can tell that I'm coming down from using, but he's not an idiot. So if he does know, which he probably does, he's just being polite and not mentioning it. Then again it could be something else.

Jay has been very distant from me and pretty much everyone since he came back to the hospital. I think something may have happened to him, but he's not trying to open up and tell me anything. He looks so out of place all the time. It hurts for me to see him look at me because every time he does there's sooooo much pain in his eyes. I think I must have done something or said something…I don't know, but I wish I could take it back. Whatever it is.

I think Jay may be using too. I already know he sells some on the side to pay for extra stuff he wants that his job at the garage can't give him. But what he's using is worse than what I do. I'm not sure, but I think he's using heroine. Coke is bad, but heroine can really mess you up. Not that coke can't…just that heroine is on another level of bad in my eyes. God, I just wish he'd tell me what was wrong so I could help him. I don't like what's happening to him. He's supposed to be my rock. What am I supposed to do when my rock crumbles?

Even with all of this bad stuff going on I've gotten some good news. Michael ran away like the day I went to the hospital. His mom said he left a note and everything. He took some of his stuff and it seems like he won't be coming back any time soon. I'm finally out from under his grasp, I'm free. You hear me, I'm **FREE**.

Right now I'm going to see Jay, see if anything has changed with him.

"Jay, you here?"

Silence. I decided to walk around the apartment and look further for him. Recently he hasn't been trying to answer me when I call him, so I figured it be worth a shot.

What do you know, there he is on his bed.

"Jay, didn't you here me calling for you?"

"Yeah…I just…" He says it in almost a whisper and doesn't even bother to finish his thought. I can tell he's high.

"O…Kay. Jay we need to talk?"

"'Bout."

"What's been up your ass for the pass couple of weeks might be a good place to start."

"All for you. Every FUCKED UP and SHITFACED move I've made. All for you."

"What are you talking about?"

"NOTHING…It's always nothing."

"What?! You're not making any sense."

"No, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not hearing me."

"You know what Jay…I don't have time for this. When MY FRIEND returns tell him I'm looking for him." I began to walk out of the room when…

"YOU UNGRATEFUL **BITCH**!... After everything I've done for you…" He began to breathe deep with every word he spoke. If I didn't know any better I'd say he was about to cry.

"WHAT?!...Please tell me exactly what it is you've **DONE**."

"Nothing…I've done…nothing."

I didn't say another word to him. If he wanted to be this way then I didn't need to stick around and watch him.


	24. Broken Boy come back to Me

Life at home hasn't become any easier since I've been out the hospital. If anything it's gotten worse. You know neither my mom nor Snake gave a reason for not coming to see me in the hospital. How fucked up is that?! They don't give a damn about me. My own family doesn't give a damn about me. We've pretty much been avoiding each other and ignoring each others existence. Even in school, Snake doesn't even look at me.

Not that I've been going that often. I prefer the ravine since I got out. I guess I feel more excepted there. You know no one judging me or looking down on what I've become. A group of lost souls trying to attract themselves to the first form that comes there way just to prove that they still exist. Wow, we're all so pathetic. Which probably means I'm even worse than pathetic since I've realized this and they haven't.

Anyway, I think I was talking about my family or lack there of. They hate me and I know that they know that I know. I **CAN'T** live like this. Walking around each other and acting as if everything isn't as fucked up as it actually is. I just need to get away and be me with people that understand me. I love my mom and Snake so much, but I can't be around them because they love the old Emma and all that's here is…is… I don't know, but it's not **HER**. No matter how badly they want it to be.

They don't know it yet, but I've decided to move out. I was gonna go and stay with Jay, but as you can see, he has his own demons to deal with right now. I can't stay with Alex either. Even though we've become the best of friends her home life isn't one I'd want to be apart of. I mean, her mother is a drunk and her mom's boyfriend is always giving me these funny looks when I'm over there. I love her to death, but her home is another thing. So I've opted for my home away from home. Hopefully you've all guessed the RAVINE.

I've been staying in the old van that Jay and I first became acquainted in. There's something about it that makes me feel safe and…at peace. I sleep there at night and then sneak into the school before anyone gets there and shower. I haven't been caught yet, so I must be doing something right. Jay and Alex don't know. They still think I live with the Nelson-Simpson clan, not that Jay would really care…considering his present condition.

I need to find a way to help him. Anything…anything…something… I don't even know where I'm going with this. Let's just say I want to be there for him…and I'm going to starting now.

"Jay…Jay, you here? We really need to talk."

In the back of the apartment I hear a big shuffling sound and something crash to the floor. It had me scared so I ran to make sure nothing was wrong with Jay. I guess you could say he was okay, even if he was sprawled out on the floor.

"Jay! Oh my god, are you okay?"

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!"

"Here let me help you up." I walked him over to the chair in the corner of his room. "Now…what happened?"

"Nothing…just cleaning some stuff up."

"Here…let me get it up for you."

"No!...no" He started scrambling around like a wild animal. I don't get what the big deal was, it was just some fallen stuff.

"Don't be silly it's just…" The stuff he was trying to get was a needle and this string thingy, like the ones they use in hospitals to find your veins.

"Emma **DON'T…"** Too late.

"You know what?" I was trying so hard to not cry or seem upset. "I'm gonna leave this stuff alone for now and just…help you." I tried to sound as cheerful as possible.

I walked back over to the chair where Jay sat looking so desperate and weak. I hated seeing him this way.

"Emma, I'm sorry" He was mildly incoherent. "I'm such a loser…I don't know why you even here."

"Jay…" I began to stroke his arm and saw three very prominent holes, just small enough to be made by a needle. "I'm here for you."

I couldn't take my eyes off of those marks, so I didn't and I kept rubbing his arm. Second by second passed and all I could say was "everything's gonna be okay, I promise". I don't know if he believed me because even I didn't believe me. But like I said **I AM GOING TO HELP JAY.**

Even if I can't help myself.


	25. A Dead Man's Ghost

Damn it the pain is so hard to deal with. I need something for it. Something for the pain, something to release these memories, wash away the guilt. SOMETHING. I promised myself I would never sink this low. Yeah, I've smoked weed from time to time, but **THIS**… Why can't I just forget it all? Forget all I've done, forget the screaming and the blood. Forget…

"_So…you ready to be judged?"_

"_Judged? By who?"_

"_Me"_

I need to find Eddie and get some. If I can just move through this pain just a little while longer. If I can just…

"_I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me." He cried out in terror._

"_Give me one good reason why I shouldn't." Jay's anger had ingulped him. For him there was no turning back from this point._

"_I'm leaving! You see…" He threw a bag in front of Jay's feet. As Jay sifted through it he found clothes and money. "She won't ever have to see me again. I'll just go away and never come back. Just PLEASE let me go."_

"_Not good enough"_

Thank goodness. There's Eddie now.

"Yo, Ed…I need a fix."

"Sure, as long as you got the cash."

I took shaky hands into my pocket and pulled out all the money I had on me and shoved it into Eddie's hands.

"How much can this get me?"

Eddie pulled out a bag with four needles in it and handed it to me with this unnerving grin on his face.

"Always willing to please a customer."

I didn't respond to his words. I just hurried off to my apartment to continue with my pathetic brand of healing.

"_Did you even CARE IF SHE DIED?! DID YOU?!"_

"_Please…Don't" His words were mixed with blood and heavy breathes._

_Jay wiped off his blood soaked hand and picked up a rock_

"_Now…this is going to hurt" _

_Jay was no longer Jay, but a figure of pain and anger. Pain of the past and anger of his present. No longer was Jay himself, but a figure of a scarred soul with a coal stained heart. And as he lifted that rock he lifted the pain of every woman in his life ever hurt or brutalized. And when it fell upon Michael's face he felt redemption for never being able to stop the pain._

_So he kept going until he was cleansed of his guilt. And as time passed anger was mixed with fresh blood and pained cries until silence came and the body fell limp..._

I tied my arm off and began my mission to find bliss. As I entered the needle into my arm Michael and what happened began to fade away.

_Jay stands in the dirt with a shovel piling freshly dug dirt onto an unnamed grave. As he finishes tears begin to fall from his eyes as the gravity of what he's done falls onto him._

"_Anything and Everything for her…I promise." He whispers to himself._

_Jay returns to his car and begins the long ride back to the hospital. With any hope Emma has calmed down and can be there for him. If he's going to get through this he's going to need her._

As the drug flows through me I'm made at peace. No one can touch me. Not even the nightmares that haunt my every waking and dreaming moment.

"_Nothing, just promise me that no matter what happens you'll always remember that anything I've ever done since the day we've became friends was for you."_

"_Jay, did something happen, are you going somewhere? What's wrong with you?"_

"_Just PROMISE ME."_

"_Okay. I promise."_

Here nothing can reach me…Not even her.


	26. If at first you don't succeed, Plan B it

Jay won't even talk to me anymore. I mean I've been to his apartment like a hundred times and still no progress. Last time I was there he said some pretty hurtful things to me. He told me I was a whore and called me out on all the things I've done with Eddie and his partners. In his words:

"No wonder nobody wants to be around you. You're just some stupid junked up WHORE that Eddie and his friends get their kicks from when they can't find a real woman to fill their needs. Your TRASH Emma, you hear me TRASH."

Then his voice got really low when he said, "Who the hell are you to judge me and say I have a problem. Look in a mirror some time."

Let's just say that hurt for HIM of all people to say that to me and the fucked up thing about it is…He's right. He can be high out of his mind, but he can still tell how worthless and pathetic I am. God it must be really noticeable if even high on heroine Jay can see right through me. Let's just say that after his little reality check I haven't had the strength to go see him. It just hurts too much to not be able to do anything.

BUT I have a plan. If I can't help Jay I'll just find someone who can.

"Hey Alex… I was wondering if you could do me a favor?"

"Anything kid, as long as it's mildly legal."

"Cool…cool…"

"Alright. Out with it. What do you want?"

"I need…I need you to talk to Jay for me."

"Why me?!"

"Because he's completely shut me out Alex and I can't deal with him being this way. I mean I need him to be Jay again. Don't you understand that?"

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Ever since Jay's been doing drugs he hasn't been himself and it's really starting to get to me."

"So you understand where I'm coming from…"

"Speaking of where you're coming from…How are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…I'm not blind Emma and neither was Jay before his recent lapse in judgment. I know you're on something. I can see it in your face and how you carry yourself…"

"Alex, you're crazy. I'm not doing ANYTHING."

"Right so all that stuff about you…and Eddie…and…and Eddie's friends is what…just a figment of everyone's imagination. Emma I can't believe you'd think I was that stupid."

Where did she get off even bringing this up? I mean it's MY private life NOT HERS.

"You know what Alex, I gotta go. Just say you'll do me the favor and I'll be on my way." I spoke with no emotion or feeling. She didn't deserve to see any.

"You didn't hear a word I just said to you, did you?" She actually sounded worried.

"Are you gonna do it or NOT?"

"Of course I'll do it, it's Jay. But you still need to get help too." She looked like it actually hurt her to say this to me. "I've tried to ignore it and act like it was just another faze for you, but it's NOT and I'm really worried about you and if Jay was in his right mind he'd be worried too. Emma…Please just…"

"Thanks for saying you'd do me this favor. I'll see you around." I began to walk toward the door. I couldn't take what she was saying anymore. I had to get out of there.

"Emma don't do this. I just wanna…"

Before she could finish her sentence I slammed the door as hard as I could. Fuck Alex if she was gonna be like this then I was just gonna take some space from her.


	27. The Demon in me

Today has been one of the worst days of my life so far. I don't think I've ever felt so much like crap in my entire life. And to add to my discomfort Alex has decided to pay me a visit. This is just GREAT.

"Jay? I don't know what's been wrong with you this past month, but as your friend I'm gonna tell u that…Whatever it is you need to get the hell over it…NOW"

Great, just what I needed. To be bitched out by a hostel female. Yeah it's GREAT.

"Jay…JAY…I KNOW YOU HEARD ME."

"OKAY! Why the hell are you even here?"

"Wow… Now is that any way to speak to your ex-girlfriend?"

"Can it Alex I don't have time for this." My skin felt like it was on fire. The burn…Why couldn't Alex just leave me alone.

"Why…too busy looking for another FIX." It wasn't a question, more like a statement and hearing it said out loud made me more ashamed of what I was doing, but I had my reasons.

"SHUT UP! You don't even know the entire story! You don't know…you don't know…wh...wh…" I wasn't going to cry. I'm JAY HOGART and I DON'T CRY.

"I don't know what Jay? Huh…I don't know what?" I couldn't answer her. Saying it out loud would make it real and I wasn't prepared for it to be real.

"You know what…It doesn't even matter. Nothing in this WORLD could be so bad or wrong that it'll be okay for you to do drugs. And not just any drug…One that could easily KILL you. Nothing you've done can justify what you're doing to yourself." She looked on the verge of tears. Helpless and scared. Something I haven't seen on Alex in a long time.

"I mean…you are soooooo strong all the time. What you're doing is destroying you and too many people need you to be strong. Jay…don't you see…You have to be the stable one. I need you to be…EMMA needs you to be. We're all so screwed up and…and with you this way it seems like the sky is never going to clear…So please tell me what is so DAMN HORRIBLE that you have to destroy the very foundation that we leave on?!"

No more fronting, no more running. I had to admit what I'd done. But how?

"I…I…I can't"

"YES…YOU…CAN…You just chose not to. Now tell me what it is that makes it right for you to do this to yourself." She looked so desperate for an answer. I hated seeing her this way.

"I killed him…" It was said it as low as I possibly could. I couldn't bare to say it too loud.

"You what?"

"I…KILLED…HIM! You hear ME…I…KILLED…HIM!"

"Who Jay? Who did you kill?"

"Michael…when Emma went to the hospital…She told me he hit her…a lot…and…and…I just snapped. Between her and what happened to my mom…I just couldn't TAKE IT. I was only gonna hurt him…a little, but…I was soooo angry and it felt so right to keep going…and before I knew it…he was…he was…" I couldn't finish.

"Dead." She said it in a whisper. Like that would make it any less real.

"Yeah…" For the first time since we were young I allowed Alex to see me cry and I couldn't have stopped even if I wanted to.

"Jay…it's okay…What happened wasn't your fault…and I'm gonna find a way to help you."

"You can't…NO ONE can."

"Yes I can. And the first thing we're gonna do is get you some help to fight this. Jay…things are gonna happen in life that you can't…control…but that's no reason to shut out the world."

"I don't deserve help."

"Yes you do…and if you can't do it for you then do it for me and EMMA. She needs you Jay and you are of no use to her like this…So…are you gonna let me get you help."

"…Yeah…" She was right. I can't keep punishing myself for what happened. I needed to get help.

"I think you should go away…just for a little while. There's this rehabilitation center about two hours away from here. I can take you as soon as you're ready."

"Can we go now?"

"Sure."

Two hours later I was checked into the Scripto Rehabilitation Center under their heroine addicts program. Alex promised to explain everything to Emma for me, but to leave out the part about me being in rehad and be there for me if and when I needed her.

They both needed me and I needed to be myself again…For THEM…no…for MYSELF.


	28. Burning from the inside OUT

I decided to do the cold turkey program. It hurts so much and I don't think I can make it. The pain…Oh God the PAIN!!!!!!! Why me? I need to be strong and get through this for myself….Ah…for Emma…and Alex. It's hard for me to even think and get my point…across. I feel like I'm on fire 24/7 and **NO ONE** is doing anything to stop the pain. Please stop the pain….PLEASE.

It's been 3 days since I started the program…I think. I didn't think it would be this…**AH!**...hard. I can't…I can't………

It burns to sit and to move and to do…to do…**AH!**...anything. GOD DO I JUST NEED SOME DRUGS. ANYTHING TO GET ME THROUGH THIS….GOD THE PAIN!.

I must seem so pathetic right now crying like a little bitch. Way to go Hogart. You've become an even bigger fuck up then your father. You've….**AH!... **Why won't it stop hurting. Make it stop…please…I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE…**PLEASE!**...I'll do anything to stop the pain.

Emma…Emma…she… I…Emma. Focus Hogart. You can't let this beat you…**AH!**...Fuck I can't do this!...I just…can't

Please….Just one hit, I just need one FUCKING hit and I'll be fine.

I feel so weak and it's so hard to … to…

"Mr. Hogart…can you hear me?"

Silence

"MR. HOGART, IT'S DOCTOR ANDREWS….DO YOU HEAR ME?!"

Silence

"NURSE!!! Get the cart this patient is going into shock and suffering from dehydration….NOW!"

I don't know how long I was out, but it felt good to be away from the pain for a little while… It doesn't hurt as much now…AH… but it still hurts…

I can't control…anything I do…My body is acting like it has a mind of its own…and…and…I…I keep throwing up and … I can't control my…my…bowels… It's kinda funny…How low I've sunk.

God the pain!...WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!...It's hard for me to breath and…and…**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ****HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

I feel so tired again…so…so…the pain…Please make it go away…PLEASE…I… I…I need….hel…


	29. Fragile distruction

I FUCKING HATE HIS GUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!How can he do this to me?! That BITCH won't even tell me where he is! It's been like 3 weeks and he just left! I can't believe he would do that to me. I need him HERE! I can't fucking stand JAY. Anytime you need his WORTHLESS ASS he's nowhere to be found. God I hope he's DEAD…I hope…I hope…

I **NEED** him to come back to me. I'm even worse when he's not around. Jay…where are you? You promised to do anything for me and you left. Jay please! Come back…come back.

I have nothing left. The drugs aren't doing it anymore. They're just not enough and without Jay I'm completely lost. I've done some really fucked up stuff since he left and when he gets back…if he comes back he's gonna hate me for it. I need something to stop the pain. The coke isn't working anymore and I keep feeling like I'm falling and everyone is just standing around waiting for that moment when I finally hit the ground. Jay why'd you leave me? I NEED YOU!...Especially tonight.

I've done something so terrible. It's completely unforgivable. Why?! I didn't mean it. I was just in so…much…pain and the drugs…weren't…helping. I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt I didn't mean for him to…Oh God please forgive me. He was in the way…I NEEDED THAT MONEY…I…he…it was an accident.

It's just that…I haven't been feeling that well…and I couldn't…keep my usual deal with Eddie to get something that would help…I just…I just wanted that money…I never meant to hurt him…I never meant…I… Oh God what have I done?!

He'll be okay…He has to be…But there was so much blood and…and…he wasn't moving when the ambulance got there…Oh GOD! PLEASE DON'T LET HIM **DIE!** I couldn't take it if he died…

I don't think I've stopped crying since it happened. He just looked so vulnerable and weak. He was turn…turni…turning…blue when they took him away. I think…I might have…ki…NO! HE'S FINE!!!!! **HE HAS TO BE!**

I just wanted that money, but he came out of nowhere…and I was in so much pain…I couldn't think straight…and he just kept talking…and he wouldn't…he wouldn't SHUT UP! I just wanted him to be quiet. I didn't think I hit him that hard.

If he would have kept talking they would've known I was there…and I couldn't let them know that. I asked him to stop talking, but he wouldn't…and the pain…oh god…I just really needed to get something stronger from Eddie. He was IN MY WAY!

I just hit him…and he hit his head on the melt thingy…I just didn't want to get caught. He wasn't even supposed to be up. I don't get what he was doing up. I mean…I…I had to leave before the cops came or they noticed I was there. I didn't want to leave him, but I had to. But I did watch what happened…just , from a distance.

He's sooooo small and fragile. I can't believe I did that to him. He's my baby brother…I just didn't want my mom and Snake to know I was taking money from them…I just…I…

GOD Jay come back to me…I need you…I really need you.

Jack…I'm so sorry…I'm sooooo SORRY!


	30. I feel like dying

It's been two weeks since the incident at my house with Jack. I feel so horrible. I'm too afraid to go over there and find out if he's okay. I'm mean… I know he's not dead…I mean, it'd be in the news if he was…right…RIGHT!!

I don't know what came over me, but I can't deal with that right now. I have so much to think about and Jack being hurt is making it all become too much. I even stopped going to school. I mean it wasn't doing me any good anyway. Alex is pissed about it, but she's not my fucking mother so she'll just have to deal with it. It's just that classes and teachers were becoming too stressful. Plus… the rumors going around the school about me. I…I just don't have time for all of that.

I've decided to swallow my fear and go home…to see how Jack is feeling…or if he's even okay. All I have to do is take a deep breath and open the door… Breathe… Breathe… I can do this.

"Mom…its Emma… Are you here?"

It was quiet for what seemed like forever before her mother appeared from upstairs looking very miserable. Her hair looked like it hadn't been washed in a week and her clothes looked like she stole them off of a homeless women. I stood there wondering if she had even been out of the house once this week.

"Mom… what happened? Are you okay?"

"No…" Was all she said and that was barely audible.

"Mom… what happened?" I stood there anticipating what she would say next because I knew what had happened, but unlike her I knew who had caused it.

"Your brother… he… he's in the hospital."

"He's okay, right?" I was pleading for good news, even though I know it wasn't going to come.

"No…you see… he… he… lost A LOT of blood… and… and the doctors say… they say…" She started crying hysterically. You could see how hard she was trying to hold in her tears, that her whole body started shaking.

"Mom… what did the doctors say?"

"They say… that if he ever… if he ever… wakes up that… Oh god my baby… that he'll be brain damaged… Not enough blood was going to his head for too long… he… he's just so small… and so…" I've never felt more terrible than that moment. It hurt to hear her speak. It felt like my lungs were closing. I needed to get out of there… NOW

"Mom…I… I have to go. I'll see you later… okay." As I turned to run out of the house a weak, yet powerful hand grabbed me.

"Emma wait." My mom's eyes were so sad and lost. And thanks to me they would remain that way for a long time. She put her arms around me in the tightest hug she could muster. "Be safe… I love you so much and it would kill me if anything bad happened to you too. I mean… if someone can do something so horrible to your brother… then who knows what can happen."

She held on to me for another minute. When she finally let me go it seemed like she never wanted to give me up, but had no other choice.

When I was out the door I couldn't hold it in anymore. I broke into hysterical tears, almost as bad as the ones my mother had just minutes before. Jack was going to be brain damaged and it was all my fault.

I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. I wish Michael would have killed me when he had the chance. At least then I wouldn't have hurt the ones I cared about.

**_Author's Note: Hey everyone! Sorry it's taken me soooo long to update. Just with school starting back up it's been touch trying to update to story. But no need to fear I will continue with my story. I will try my hardest to update at least once or twice a month._**


	31. Let me in your Mind

"And how does that make you feel?"

Here I am again sitting in this stupid doctor's office having this annoying woman try to shrink me. I mean how many times is she gonna ask me how something makes me feel! I feel like crap! I'm in fucking rehab, who cares about how I feel. I just want to get better so I can get back to my life… and… just something better than all of this.

"Why does it MATTER? I mean that's all we do is talk about my feelings. It doesn't make me feel anything. Not everything has to make you feel a certain way. Now if you want to know how I feel NOW… slightly pissed off and irritated."

"Good… you should feel that way. But stop changing the subject…"

"I'm not changing the subject. I'm just tired of going over the same stuff every time I come here."

"Okay, but you are changing the subject and the topic might change if you started looking at this subject instead of pushing it to the back burner every time you come and see me."

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"Now we both know that is not true Jayson."

"The name's Jay and it is true. I don't have a clue what you mean by that back burner comment you just gave me."

"Then allow me to enlighten you… Even time we've gotten together our talks at some point turn to a certain girl…and every time I ask you about her you stiffen up. So… care to start elaborating on whom she is or anything that has to do with her? Cuz I have all day and every day until you leave to get this out… So JAY, what's it gonna be?"

Silence

"Jay…Okay I guess I'll ask the question again and hope that this time you give me an answer… When your friend Sean left and you were stuck in a car for hours with a girl you almost got killed, how did that make you feel?"

"Guilty"

"Well you were part of something that was horrible. It's okay for you to feel guilty about it. But at the same time you have to deal with that guilt and not allow it to…"

"I'm not guilty about that."

"Then what did you feel guilty about?"

"With her…everything."

"What do you mean by 'everything'?"

"Before the whole shooting thing there has been so many things that I've put her through that normal people would burst under. And I did it on purpose."

"So you regretted it?"

"Not at all, but something about her being that close to me all day and us actually getting along…then looking back on everything I've done to make her miserable…bring her down off that pedestal. Just seemed… I don't know"

"Pedestal…It's interesting that you use that word. So this girl… you feel she's looked at from on the top of a pedestal? Why?"

"Just is… I mean people talk about like she's some kind of saint, like she's the embodiment of perfection… and it's not true. It never was"

"Looks like you have some personal experience with this girl…She's not just your best friend's ex-girlfriend is she?"

"Isn't our time up for the day?"

"No… we have five minutes left. Now answer the question Jay. I think we're actually making some progress."

"No…she's not" With that I got up and walked out of my session with Dr. H. I just didn't want to get into a discussion about Emma right now. I mean it just wasn't the time and Dr. H just keeps trying to force it.

I'm not ready to think about Emma and because of that I'm definitely not ready to go home.


	32. Then What is She?

I am 3 months sober now and I think it's a really great improvement for me. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm doing something right. The only other time I've felt like that was…Damn… I don't think I've ever felt like that before.

Me and Dr. H have another session later today and I'm gonna be real with you and say that I'm slightly afraid. She keeps trying to bring something out of me that I just don't want come out. My relationship with Emma and everything that came after it was…is just so wrong and I don't want anyone else involved in it.

"Welcome back Jayson…I mean Jay… So how about we start off where we last ended?"

"And where was that?"

"With Emma… If she wasn't just your best friend's ex-girlfriend then what was she?"

"She is everything and so much more"

"You said IS like this Emma thing is still going on."

"Cuz it is. Me and Emma have been a part of each other's lives for a while and I'm not all the time sure if it's a good thing for us to be together."

"So… this Emma person is your girlfriend."

"No… that's what makes this all the more funny to be a part of… because she's not my girlfriend and I care about her more than any other girl I've ever been involved with. And the sad part about it is the majority of the time we've been together in ANY sense of the word, she's hated me."

"Wow that is very interesting. So Jay… why is she everything"

"Because the pain and the anger and all the fucked up and stupid things I've done for about a year now has had to do with her. It just feels like I'm not breathing for myself anymore, but for the two of us. And if I stop living that the both of us will die."

"That's a lot to put on your shoulders. Do you ever resent her for this feeling?"

"No…but I feel that she resents me for everything bad that's happened to her. And it kills me to agree with that possibility"

"Jay once again like so many other sessions we've had, you make yourself the scapegoat. No everything is your fault and as much as you may want to you can't control everything."

"I'm not trying to control everything, but having control over something would be nice."

"So…Emma, do you feel you've failed her in some way?"

"Yes…in every way I could."

"And why do you say that?"

"Every opportunity I've had to help her I've made everything worse."

"That's impossible that you are behind everything that goes wrong with her. I'm sure…"

"No. Let me give you some examples.(1) She was in pain… so I gave her drugs to make it better (2) she needed a release and allowed myself to… do something so horrible to her (3) I helped her fall by showing her the way to drop. There's so much of who she is today that is my fault and you can't make me stop thinking that."

"And I'm not going to stop making you think that. I just want you to understand that everything isn't in your control. This Emma person that you care so much about has to save herself before you can even begin to rescue her. You should know that, you didn't get here because someone wanted to rescue you… you got here because you wanted it."

"I'm here for her… because even though I ruined her so much I know she needs me to get through."

"I know I'm not a relationship counselor or anything like that and I'm not trying to be, but the more you talk about her the more it seems like you love her… Do you Jay?... It's alright if you do."

"I don't know what I feel for her, but it can't be love."

"And why is that?"

"Because if I love her she'll go away."


	33. I'm inside your HEAD!

"_Emmy Emmy… I missed you"_

"Stop…Stop"

"_Emmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyy!"_

"Shut up! Shut up!"

"_Why'd you hurt me Emmy?"_

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…Please stop…Just leave me alone."

"_No Emmy! You hurt me…and now you must pay for what you've done to me."_

"Just GO AWAY!"

"_I can't do that. I'm in your head and I'm not going nowhere. I could've died! And even worse I may never wake up again. You don't get to have me go away."_

"I'm sorry! How many times do I have to say it?!"

"_Until you mean it. Cuz if push came to shove again you would do it again. And you know I'm right."_

"No you're not! I wouldn't do that! I…I…I wouldn't!"

"_YES.YOU.WOULD… I'm in your head Emmy I can see your every thought and if you had to you would've sacrificed me for a fix… You're a evil and deceitful BITCH. And we both know it."_

"You're right."

"_Good…you finally agree. Now, what are you gonna do to make it right?"_

"I don't know what I can do."

"_Yes you do! NOW THINK EMMY! What are you gonna do?!"_

"I.DON'T.KNOW!"

"_Your denial is starting to bore me…Now just say it so we both can move on."_

"I'm going to stop myself before I hurt anyone else."

"_Good…and how are you gonna do that."_

"By doing what has to be done."

"_Now that we're on the same page…Pick it up!"_

"I'm scared." My voice was lower than the smallest whisper.

"_Don't be. I'm here for you…Now do it."_

I slowly with shaky hands reached for the sharp object and put it to my wrist.

"_Now breathe. Everything is gonna be so much better in a few seconds. Trust me, I wouldn't lie to you."_

"Okay." It took all my energy to pull that blade across by wrist. The blood leaked out like running water. It was an amazing site. It's like I slowly was floating above myself and I felt so light.

The further I drifted the more at peace I felt. Then in the cloudy stream of my mind I heard Alex calling to me. She sounded so scared and sad, but I knew she'd be better off without me. Everything is fading…fading so fast and eventually Alex is no longer there. I'm no longer there.


	34. I Want Out

Earlier today Alex came to visit me with bloodshot and puffy eyes. She said one of the scariest things I've ever heard… Emma tried to kill herself. I could hear every word Alex said to me like it was in slow motion.

"Alex what's wrong?"

"Emma…she…she tried to kill herself last night."

"What do you mean she tried to kill herself?! You're supposed to be watching her. You promised. What the hell, Alex?" I was pissed. Alex promised to take care of Emma for me. I wouldn't have come if I'd known she was gonna fuck up so bad.

"Fuck you Jay! You're locked up in this fucking rehab center and I'm the one taking care of your mess! So I'm sorry if I wasn't watching her, but last time I CHECKED Emma wasn't my daughter and YOU weren't my fucking husband."

With that she walked away and lets just say I felt like shit. I know I was wrong for putting all of that on her shoulders, but I needed to blame someone other than myself and Alex was the closes one to me.

Everything is just so stressful and I'm starting to hate being trapped in this fucking box with nothing to do but sit on my ass and wait to here what fucked up thing happens next. God I need to talk to Dr. H.

"Hello Jayson. What brings you here? I don't believe we have a session schedule." She was flipping through her book very confused. I don't blame her considering I just burst into her office.

"Yeah, yeah I know… When am I leaving this place?" It was easy to see the desperation in my eyes. I needed to be free.

"Well Jayson lets see." She began to look through my file very carefully. "You've improved a lot and have willingly participated in all the activities that the Center has suggested to you as a treatment…"

"Yeah. I know this, but WHEN can I LEAVE?"

"Well that's entirely up to you Jayson." I was being filled with so much joy…a little too soon. "You could go home tomorrow even IF you open up in our sessions. Jay at the moment you are improving your addiction, but you're not improving yourself…and a big part of your addiction is who you are. If we can't find the root to your addiction. ..we can't knowingly put you back into an environment that you could easily fall back into old habits in."

"So you're saying I'm not gonna be able to leave any time soon." I was pissed.

"No…that's not what I'm saying at all… I'M saying that when you're ready to open up I'll be here. And once you do, you'll be able to move on pass this Center and pass your addiction."

"Oh." I couldn't say much else. I really needed to leave this place and it just wasn't happening. Emma needs me! And I can't get to her.

"So…I'll see you in two days for our next session, right?"

"I guess so."

"And Jayson, stop thinking of what's out there and start focusing on what's right here. The minute you do that you just might find it easier to find your way back to the you before the drugs."

"Yeah…maybe."


	35. Someone To Help You

When I woke up I was surrounded by white walls and the faint sound of crying. It was so weird to me. I thought for a split second that I was in Heaven and was I happy. Lets be real…It wasn't something I expected to happen when I got to that point… Well I was wrong. No Heaven for me…or like Bartholomew Hospital. Way to smack me back down to reality.

When I looked to my left I noticed Alex sitting there trying her hardest not to cry. I could tell she's been that way for a while and it kills me to know that I had something to do with it. For a split second I thought she was my mom. They looked so similar in that position. When I looked at her I saw my mom trying not to cry over Jack and pulling me back before I left to tell me that she wanted me to be safe. I have to say that it hurt to know I made her as vulnerable as that because I know Alex HATES to be vulnerable. It took everything in me to keep the tears from falling from my eyes.

I'm so tired of feeling bad for myself. And I'm so tired of having people in pain because of how stupid and destructive I am. I mean I ruined Sean, Ellie, Jay and now Alex. I can't take hurting anyone anymore. Its just not in me to be this way.

"Alex…" my voice was horse and almost inaudible.

"Emma…"I could hear the sniffles in between her words. "You're finally awake."

"Alex I'm…"

"Don't…"

"Don't what?"

"Don't say you're sorry and that you didn't mean to hurt me. Just don't cuz I can't take it anymore. I can't take being the only one that's here for you…and taking care of you… and being the one to PICK YOU UP OF THE FLOOR WHEN YOU TRY TO **KILL **YOURSELF! So just DON'T."

I didn't know what to say. She was just so mad and I was speechless. Nothing I could say could make it better and I think we both knew that. For once I think I've pushed Alex past her breaking point.

"You were always so…strong Emma. I prayed for the day when I could have your strength and driven and necessity to do good…And now…I don't see you. It's like who I knew has completely faded away and turned into some…some… I don't know, but I can't handle it anymore."

"Alex"

"NO. It's just too much for me to take."

"Alex…"

"NO! Let me talk. I've been thinking and… I've decided that I'm no longer gonna be the one to handle you… Obviously I can't do this. So… I've brought someone that I think can help you more than I can."

"Wait…what?"

"He's the only person I know that understands you enough to get through and I can't…I just can't."

"Alex, who…"

"I'm gonna go, okay? And he's gonna come in. With any hope he can do more for you then I ever could."

As she ended her sentence she got up and left my room. I was so confused and I didn't know what to think. Who…oh my god she got… she got …J

"SEAN!"


	36. Who Needs You

"_Sean"_

I can't believe she got Sean. Out of all of the people in the world I didn't want to see here, Sean was definitely on the top of my list. I mean look at me… Oh God Alex, I can't believe you would do this to me. Me and Sean have this long history that sooooo doesn't allow for him to be HERE right now. I thought Alex understood that. I swear she's just doing this to punish me. She wants me to suffer. What a bitch! And to think that I thought of her as a friend, a sister even. Damn I wish he would just disappear!

"Emma, hey."

"What are you doing here?" I was slightly pissed and it had no trouble coming through in my voice.

"Well Alex called me and said you might need my help." He sounded nervous for some reason. Like he was afraid to say the wrong thing to me.

"Aw…How sweet. Good old Sean here to rescue little old me." At my words his face completely dropped. He wouldn't even make eye contact with me.

"I wouldn't say that…"

"But I would…Sean I don't need a savoir. What I need is to get out of this hospital and go on with my life."

"That's funny considering you tried to kill yourself."

"That's of no concern to you **considering** you LEFT!"

"That's not fair; you know I had my reasons."

"Yeah… I did, but that doesn't mean you get to come back after almost a year and try to fix me…It doesn't work like that."

"I'm not trying to …"

"Sean… I don't have time for this. So just… just leave… You're good at that."

He had a look of hurt and betrayal burned into his face. I knew that would get to him and it did. He turned and walked out of my hospital room without as much as a good-bye.

Fuck Sean, who needs him anyway… I sure as hell don't.


	37. A Bad Imitation Of YOU

Unfortunately getting rid of Sean wasn't as easy as I thought. The next day when I got released from the hospital he was there waiting for me.

"What are you doing here?"

"Don't you get tired of asking a question you already know the answer to?"

"Why don't you make this easier for yourself and just leave me alone?"

"Why don't you just get in the car and tell me where to take you."

I didn't feel like arguing with him anymore, so I got into the car and gave him directions to where I've been staying for the past month or two. When we pulled up he had a look of complete confusion on his face, which I found completely understandable. But hey, if he was here none of this would confuse him.

"Emma are you sure this is the right place?"

"Yep." I got out of the car and walked up to the shabby apartment building. When I looked back Sean was still in his car with that stupid look on his face. It was actually quite comical to see.

As soon as I walked into the apartment Sean was right behind me. He looked like at any moment he would burst.

"Hold up a second." To say I was surprised by his outburst would be an understatement, but I did my best to play it off.

"What Sean?"

"This…" He pointed around like a crazy person.

"Yeah, what about it?" Okay I damn well knew what he was getting at but it was nice to watch him squirm.

"It's Jay's apartment Emma… Why are you staying in Jay's apartment?"

"Oh that."

"Yeah that." He seemed completely annoyed by this point. I was loving it.

"Well… seeing how we're friends now he said I could watch his place while he was out of town."

Okay so I kinda lied, but the truth… that I had nowhere to go and couldn't go home because of the Jack thing so I stole Jay's spare key off of Alex and have been staying here ever since… sounded like a little too much.

"Okay you and Alex being friends is one thing, but Jay! Since when are yall friends?" He looked very panicky.

"Since about the time you left!" God, why does it matter! I'm starting to get tired of all his questions.

"You and him aren't…" he couldn't complete the sentence out of fear.

"Oh God, Sean! NO, me and Jay are just FRIENDS. We've never even thought about that."

Okay, so I lied again, but Sean was getting a little personal and for some reason I didn't want him to know that me and Jay have pleased each other with more than pure conversation. Something about Sean just makes me want to be that girl again, that girl that sat high on a pedestal for him. Me being with Jay would crush that for him and I wasn't willing to do that just yet.

"Good cuz as a friend to both of you and Jay… nothing good could come from that happening."

Okay now he was really starting to tick…me…off. I mean, he knows nothing about Jay and Me. Jay has been real good to me and who is he to judge.

"You know what Sean. I'm gonna go to bed… Let yourself out of MY apartment." I was pissed and he knew it, just not why. But he did as I said and left.

Sean sucks! I want Jay to come back.


	38. Just Say it Out Loud

"So you feel that your willingness to do wrong and evil to protect this girl was your downfall."

"No, not at all Dr. H. I just feel like me not wanting anything to hurt her ends up hurting me."

"What makes you draw that conclusion?"

"The drug thing, it all started with me doing something to protect her, but in the end I ended up the one in pain and messed up."

"So you think she's not good for you?" She sounded perplexed and genuinely interested in my answer.

"Not at all. If anything she's the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"But you just said…"

"I know, but that's more of the things she does, not who she is."

"Care to explain?"

"I don't think I can." I truly didn't think I would be able to explain mine and Emma's relationship because truth be told I didn't understand it myself.

"Try me."

"Okay… here goes nothing… Emma has one of the brightest souls I've ever known. Her spirit alone could light up the dark side of the moon."

"That's very sweet, but if she's that entire how…"

"I'm getting to that… Emma's soul, her spirit is something that make me want to do better, BE better. She makes me see what I can do and I like it."

"You're still not getting to the…"

"I know… I'm getting there… Even with all of that Emma has this cloud around her."

"A cloud?" She seemed confused.

"Yes, a cloud… She wants so bad to make everything in her life different and better, but the steps she takes to make it better always find a way to make it worse… It's like she can do no wrong, but at the same time no right."

"That's very interesting Jayson."

"What?" I don't get how my feelings about Emma are interesting.

"You contradict yourself a lot when talking about this Emma girl."

"What do you mean, contradict?"

"Well first you say that you don't want her on a pedestal but you yourself have her on one. Then you say she gets you hurt and in pain, but she's the best thing to happen to you. Then you say she can do no wrong, but at the same time no right… She can't be all of that. Jay it just isn't possible."

"But she is ."

"Then there we are."

"What do you mean 'there we are'."

"Just that we've found your root… Emma."

"Emma's the root to my addiction?" There was no way.

"No, not exactly. But she is the root to what motivates you to do something whether good or bad."

"Emma?"

"Yes, Emma." She seemed very excited to have made this development.

"So, what now?" I really needed to know where to go from here.

"You come to terms with your feelings about her and move on with your life."

"What feelings?"

"Now Jay we've made so much progress… can we NOT go back to where we started. Now think Jay, how do you feel about Emma?"

"She's one of the most precious people to me." I was confused and a little afraid of what my answer might be. "She's special. More special then any girl I've ever known. I mean she's important to me… I lo… I care about her."

"No, wait one second and go back to that last thing you said."

"I care about her." I was starting to get a migraine. What was she getting at.

"No, what were you really gonna say. BEFORE you switched and said that you 'care' about her."

"That…that…"

"Just say it… trust me you'll feel better."

"That I…LOVE her."

"Boom… the barrier has been broken." She seemed so proud. Me on the other hand was completely petrified.

Damn I LOVE **EMMA**.

**_Author's Note: Hey I've been wondering what you guys have been thinking of my story. I haven't been getting many reviews and don't know how you are taking it or if there's anything about the story you'd prefer to see. Please review. I'm open to all views and suggestions. I just wanna know what you're thinking or if I should just give up on this story._**


	39. Getting Back My Life

**_Author's Note: I would just like to say that after reading those reviews I've come to a conclusion that my cancelling the story may have been premature. I guess I got a little too sensitive and promise that it won't happen again._**

**_I would like to thank : CraneAndFalconForeven, xmoonlitex, AllieB0524, and Veronica for helping to better understand the workings of fanfics and readers. Considering this is my first story I've been a little on edge about it._**

**_So I'm back!!!_**

**_As for this chapter their is some sexual content so be warned :)_**

Sean is a pain in my ass. I understand that he wants to be helpful, it's in his wiring. You know what I mean the hero thing. I think he gets some sick type of pleasure out of being the knight in shining armor. Like it gets him off just seeing that a girl needs him to protect them. If you ask me that's kinda sick and a little pathetic.

You know what I don't even get why he's here in the first place. Like he's been gone for a long time, he doesn't know me. Trust me when I say he's in for a rude awakening. It's been like a month and with him down my back I haven't been able to do much of anything. Do you know how hard it's been to get drugs and alcohol pass Jay's front door with Sean here? I've had to come up with some very creative methods. I mean if you only knew all the weird and unnatural ways I smuggled stuff into my-kinda apartment, you'd be sick. I get it, Sean's "**worried**" about me, but then again….who asked him to be. I sure as hell didn't and Alex is not my mother so she doesn't even have the right to give him that type of duty.

I just need out. It's so not natural for me to be stuffed up like this. I mean it's like I'm in prison. I'm no criminal…. I don't deserve this type of torcher! Fucking Sean! But don't worry I have a plan to get him off my back. If he won't lay of me I'll just have to get him off. I am going to fuck his brains out until he can't object to me going out and having some real fun. It worked with Jay, why not Sean.

"Hey Sean."

"Hey Em… No bitching me out today for 'trying to rule your life' like you've been doing for the past two weeks?"

"Now why would I want to do a mean thing like that?" I said in the most seductive tone and made sure to lean forward a little so the top of my cleavage was in his eye shot

"What's with you today? You're being really nice. What gives?" He walked to the other side of the living room and placed himself on the couch. He was making this harder than need be. Why couldn't he just be a guy and GIVE IN already?

"Nothing gives. I just want to show you how much I appreciate you being here for me… even when I told you to leave." I seat myself across from him and give him the most innocent and hopeful look I can muster.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah…really" You could tell I was getting to him a little bit. Like he was trying to figure out if I was hitting on him or actually grateful.

"And how do you plan on doing that exactly?" Bingo

"By doing this…" I straddled Sean's body and began to slowly make my way down unbuttoning him shirt. To say he was a little thrown by my forwardness would be completely on target.

"Emma what do you think your doing?" He was completely tense and tried to push me off slightly, but I wasn't budging. I was on a mission and nothing Sean did was gonna stop me from reaching my goal.

"A favor" I made my way to his pants and in one swift motion had them down with his penis poking out of his boxers. His words were saying no and stop, but his body was in total agreement with what I was doing.

I took him into my mouth and began to slowly move up and down on his long shaft, slowly caressing the head of his penis. It pleased me to hear him call out my name in pleasure. I knew the trap was set and all I needed to do was seal the deal. I slowly remove my mouth from around his piece and looked him in his eyes. The passion and hunger there was captivating.

"Do you still want me to stop?" No words left his mouth. He just reached down and grabbed me from the back of my neck and kissed me with all the hunger that was in his being. It was hot, but nothing more than what I've experience with all those guys down at the ravine. But for Sean I would play it up like it was the best thing I've ever had.

I moved from my position on the floor to his lap. As I slowly allowed his member to enter me the sexual tension that was between us just minutes ago faded away. We guided together with every thrust. I closed my eyes as a way to escape our surroundings. It's something I've learned to do when down at the ravine. It takes away the lack of interest and joy that comes from these experiences.

I allowed him his joy and pleasure. Never failing to willing participate in our actions, playing up every orgasm and twinge of "ecstasy"…. He was blown.

As we came to an end I climbed off of Sean and went into my room to change. Tonight I was going out. When I returned to the living room Sean sat there unnerved.

"Em…what happened was… I'm so sor…"

"Sean, can we talk about this later? I'm going somewhere." I began to walk to the door when I remembered something. "Oh yeah, Sean…"

"Yeah…" He looked trapped in thought. It was actually kinda amusing to see him this way. It was all too easy.

"Don't forget to lock the door when you leave… We don't want someone breaking into Jay's apartment while I'm out now do we?" I gave him a smile and a peck on the cheek and was off.

Poor Sean… Never had a chance.


	40. Happy Days

Sean walks around like a zombie all the time now. Like in some way he's wronged me by letting me fuck him on Jay's couch. I almost feel bad for him. Think about it. He comes here trying to save me and ends up falling into the same web as all the men in my life right now. He's so stupid. Can't he see that I like how I am? If I didn't I'd change myself like I did the first.

Oh speaking of changes I went platinum blonde with hot pink and black streaks in it. I like it. I think it fits this new chapter. An independent and joyful chapter with no worries or issues to handle. I mean my drug thing is under control. I've upped my stakes to ecstasy. It's so powerful, like floating fifty feet above the world. I suggest you try it sometime. It'd be a wild ride.

With Sean no longer up my ass I've been free to do whatever I want. Sean is still here, but not **really** here…you know? It's like our little trice has wounded his ego in some way or another. Oh well, he'll get over it. As for me I'm party central right now.

Me and Alex have been talking for the past couple of weeks and I think we've reached a good place. She no longer is lecturing me about my life and what I've been doing. I've actually managed to get her to join in some of my fun. Her and Eddie are like a thing right now. He gets off on the fact that she's like bi or tri- sexual… I don't know what it is but it works for him. Every now and then me and Alex will put on a show for the boys. A little harmless touching and a couple of make-out sessions. It comes in handy when we're trying to score free E. Eddie and those boys are so gullible.

You know I've started a new job too. I was starting to get tired of doing favors for drugs. I mean the fun left a long time ago with that. Anyway I am now the new dancer at the Wild Kitten Strip Club. I work every other day and make a good foundation. Alex and Sean weren't happy about my job choice, but they've learned to deal with it. My new boss Rosco says I should dye my hair chocolate brown to go with my eyes. He thinks it will bring in more customers for me. I'm still considering it. I've been blonde for so long and I like how I look now, but work is work and money is life.

Sometimes when I'm working Eddie and the guys come down to watch me perform. Nothing I've ever experience is as exhilarating as me on stage in front of a crowd of guys wishing they could have me. There's an immense amount of power that comes from that. Eddie will even slip a couple of bucks into my g-string every now and then, but doesn't get too carried away consider Alex works behind the bar. That's how I found out about the job… I went to visit her at work one night and the rest is history.

Alex is like my protector at the Wild Kitten. She's even switched all the nights she worked to my nights to keep an eye on me. She's like the big sister I've never had… My family.

Speaking of family… Spike and Snake have decided to move to a new district. With what happened to Jack still fresh in their minds they don't feel safe in Degrassi anymore. They've asked me to go with them, but I can't. They're not pushing me to come either. I think they've gotten used to me being away. Mom said she'd miss me and Snake kinda kept his distance. I think he's lost total faith in me, but those are the breaks. They've even put the house on sale. So basically they're gone and don't plan on coming back anytime soon. As for Jack he's still in a coma… They had him moved to a special care home near their new house. From what my mom said last time I really spoke to her, he may never wake up. And you know that might be a good thing.

Why would you wanna wake up to be apart of a world so fucked up and cruel? Where people hurt you and put you down? Maybe I did him a favor. Maybe putting him in a coma is the first real gift I've given to him. Maybe?


	41. These Dreams They Haunt Me

"So when did the nightmares start?"

"I don't know for sure, but it's the same thing every time."

"Is it always in the same place and with the same people, Jayson?"

"Yeah"

"Maybe we should take this from the top. Tell me about this recurring nightmare."

"I don't know where to start…" Truthfully I didn't. I mean the fucking dream has been happen ever since I said that I loved Emma, but I'll be damned if I tell Dr. H about that. I mean she's a good lady and all but she can really irritate the hell out of me. She goes on and on about things being connected and her recent favorite subject just happens to be EMMA. I wasn't going there. I couldn't. And talking about that dream would definitely take me there.

"Why don't you start with the beginning?" I wasn't in the mood for this and talking about my **feelings** was the last thing I wanted to do. Dr. H had reached my breaking point. Fuck the dream I was out of here.

"You know what Doc I'm not for this today. I'm going back to my room"

"Jayson, you know that we have a scheduled time everyday. Jayson… don't pull back now. We've been making great progress. We've really…"

"**Progress**. What progress?! I'm still in here. I'm still coming to you once a week and I haven't even heard one thing about me being ready to leave this place. What kinda progress is that?!"

"Jayson, you are on a hard and long program. Your drug of choice isn't easy to quit and even harder to stay off of once you've started." She took a deep sigh and looked at me with certain amount of seriousness and care that almost made me feel guilty for blowing up just a minute ago. "Don't turn away from everything we've done here. This can really HELP you."

"You know what Doc?" She sat up with such hope. "I'm just gonna sit here quietly until my time is up. That way you still get my time and I get to go to my room."

We sat that way for about 20 minutes before she finally gave up and let me return to my room. Back in my room wasn't any better. I hated be confined in this tight little space. Walking around this place wasn't any better considering all the wack-jobs coming down from whatever drug they've been on and the rest sulking around like the world just ended. This place was officially killing me.

So I did the one thing that I could do… I lay down and went to sleep. As I fell into my dream the all too familiar place came back to me. I hated it here.

_Here I stand at the end of a dark corridor. One that I've been at too often, walking ever slowly to the one thing I hoped had changed about this dream. _

_The corridor has a light at the end of it with voices seeping from it that were all too familiar to me, but at the same time foreign to my ears. The closer I get to the passage way the smaller everything seems. It becomes hard to breathe as I reach the door and when I open it my fears of what was behind it are once again realized._

_Beyond the door is the sanctuary of a church with miles of people at its seats. So of them I know and others not at all familiar to me. As I walk down the center aisle I see a casket. Not that big of one, but I know inside it holds the biggest of pains. The closer I get the more painful it becomes to look at the faces of the guest that surround the church. As I look from my right to my left I see Alex and Manny, a few of those geeks from school, and those air-headed popular kids with that emo kid. As I look up into the balcony I see Rick with a very visible gunshot wound to his abdomen. It was sick, you could see right through him. And next to him with this evil grin sat Michael. He wasn't any better. Half of his head was smashed in from where I hit him with that rock and blood seeped from his mouth (probably from those kicks to his gut)._

_I return my attention to the casket placed in front of the altar. Once again I continue my walk towards it. As I finally reach the casket and look into it I see the same thing I've seen for the past month. In it is Emma, pale and very stiff. I hate this part of the dream most. As I bend over to get a better look at her, her eyes snap open._

_Emma sits up in her casket and looks me directly in the eyes. Everyone else around us acts as if nothing has changed and continues to mourn. Emma pulls me in close to her and plants the most cold and fiery kiss I've ever had on me. As we kiss the church and everyone fades away and we are surrounded by a pool of fire and screaming people. Rick and Michael are the only people from before there with us. _

_Emma is no longer on my lips. Instead she is being dragged away by what I can only describe as demons. I can hear her cries of pain and the terror in her eyes, but I can't move. Rick and Michael are at my sides dragging me to a pit in the opposite direction from Emma. As I reach the pit I see everyone I know and have ever cared about at the bottom of it burning alive. My mom, Alex, Sean, everyone I've ever hurt or disappointed suffering because of me. And as I look across the pit I see Emma being dangled over the pit calling out to me to help her, but I can't._

_As I take a step to get her she falls and disappears into the flames._

I plop up in my bed in a deep sweat. I always do. Emma, god I destroy you.


	42. Leaving Tonight

"Jayson, I feel as if we've hit a wall in your progression. And I've come to a conclusion that if you really want to you can leave."

"Are you serious?" She had to be shitting me

"Yes. Truth be told the power to leave has always been in your hands, but I will suggest that you stay and complete you program leaving so soon can result in a relapse."

"Soon! Doc I've been here for the better part of a year. I've sacrificed my life and everyone that matters to me to be here. This stay has been anything but **SOON**!"

"I understand that Jayson, but your case is a very fragile one. But I understand that I can't keep you here. So the decision is yours…even if I don't agree with it."

My decision. I can leave if I want to. There has to be some strings attached to this. She's giving up a little too easy. I don't get it. What's with her?

"What's the catch?"

"No catch. You can leave." She seemed really sad. "Just be safe… and strong."

She got up and broke the space between us. I could see that for the first time her real emotions about my possible leaving were coming out. The closer she got to me the more tears I could see swell up in her eyes. She puts her arms out inviting me into her personal bubble and I except without hesitation. She really was a nice lady to tell the truth. It kinda hurt to leave her hanging like this.

As we hugged I tightened my grip around her waist. It felt so warm to be this close. It's been a long time since anyone has even been five feet away from me without trying to sedate me. As the hug deepened we lock eyes and in that moment the lines between doctor and patient are crossed. We connect with a kiss deep and sensual, warm and loving, but still not right.

The time we've spent here was apparently meaningful to both of us, but nothing more than that. She wanted to save me and I for once wanted to be saved, but couldn't allow it. She understood that and I understood her need to be close to me at that moment.

"I promise." Was the last thing I said to her as a broke her bond on me and exited the room. I was leaving and we both knew it. It was my time…hopefully.

Once in my room I began to pack my stuff and prepare for where I would go from here. Back home…maybe. Somewhere new…maybe. All I know is that I've been freed from this white walled prison and I wasn't looking back.


	43. Through Blurred Vision

"Tonight is a night of sexual revolution and…. And…."

"A night to be DRUNK and HIGH off our **ASSES**!!!!!"

I live for the Ravine! Every second I'm here is like total ecstasy. Every guy, every drink, every drug just moves me into a state of complete and total euphoria that I can't experience anywhere else. When I'm here I'm home. When I'm here I'm a queen in a sea of peasants. I mean every guy wants me and gravitates to me like moths to a fucking flame. And I am hotter than the fucking Sun when I'm down here. I choose who, when, how, and they can't say a thing about it.

I truly believe that I've found myself and where I'm meant to be. The Ravine.

"Em…Em… Eddie just did the funniest thing you have to come see." Alex is so much more fun since her and Eddie. It's like when she's with him she doesn't see all the things I do as wrong, but good… clean… fun.

"Sure I'll be right there." Alex staggers off stumbling into a completely plastered Sean. Both fall to the ground laughing and Alex continues on her trail to Eddie's side.

Sean is so sad recently. All he does is drink. I don't mind it too much cuz it keeps him off my case, but really he's a stupid and sloppy drunk. As I look around I notice that Kelsi (some stupid coke whore) is all over Sean. Of course he submits to her. He would fuck a radiator if he was drunk and it had a vagina… Now that I think about it, he kinda is by being with Kelsi. She's just so dirty. She'll fuck any guy that will give her a fix or a least something to take the edge off. Who would be that desperate?

"Hey Sexy." This cool guy I know Keith comes up to me and smacks my ass. "Got the stuff, how bout that deal we got going." He knew me too well. He supplied me with what I wanted and I supplied him with what he wanted. By the way what he wanted was kinda kinky.

"Come on" I grabbed his hand and move him toward a clearing where no one was.

As we stood there he pushed me to the ground and slowly removed his belt.

"Wait… Let me get the stuff first." He pulled out the pills and emptied them into my mouth for me to swallow them down before allowing him to continue.

Once his belt was completely off his pants he wrapped the belt around my neck and slowly tightened it. As he entered me, with every thrust he took the belt got tighter and tighter around my throat. It was part of what we did. He gave me drugs, I let him take out his mildly rapist type fantasy on me. Every once in a while I'll blackout and wake up the next day alone in the Ravine. No harm, no foul.

As he continued his moans got louder and my vision blurred more and more. Then out of nowhere Keith is no longer on me and a guy is there beating him up.

"What the hell is wrong with you?! You sick fuck! I swear I'm gonna kick your fucking ASS!" As the guy finished him he came over me with worried eyes. "Hey… are you okay?"

Everything went black, but before that I could have sworn I saw him. But it couldn't be. He was gone.

"Jay"

**Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait, but I lost this chapter and had to rewrite it from memory. I was so mad. Well I hope you enjoyed it and I'm sorry if anything in it made you uncomfortable. I love that I still have loyal readers to this day. And you all motivate me to keep writing this story and more.**

**You should check out my profile for my new story _Trapped in a Moment_. I think you all will like it.**


	44. Welcome Back

"What the hell do you mean it's not a big deal?"

I awoke to the yelling of two very familiar voices trying my hardest to remember what happened before I passed out and where the hell I am now.

"She knows what she's doing! You haven't been here. You can't judge."

"That's not fair! You know why I was gone. Anyway… don't change the subject. He was fucking choking her with a belt Alex! I asked you to watch over her while I was gone…What the hell have you guys been doing since I left?!"

"A lot of stuff that you OVIOUSLY won't be happy to find out." She was speaking in a smaller voice. Almost sounded ashamed.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?!"

As the voices outside the door continued their bickering I tried to refocus my thoughts and process my location. As I look around I realize exactly where I am. The room I owe my evolution to. The one room in this entire apartment I haven't gone in since **he** disappeared. Why was I in **JAY'S** room of all places?... JAY!... Oh shit, Jay.

As I get up from his bed and walk toward his door I breathe deeply trying to gain the strength to venture on the other side of the door and into the argument that's obviously about me.

"Bullshit Alex! You were too busy being Eddie's bitch to give a fuck."

"Fuck you Jay! You don't have a say in anything we do. Last time I checked you were nobody's daddy here."

Now was as good a time as any to make my entrance. Plus I really wanted to see him for myself. You know, to make sure he's really here and that I'm not dreaming.

"You know if you really want you can be my daddy." I was half serious and half joking. Jay was always so easily distracted by sexual innuendos. Why should now be any different?

As I walked gingerly toward them a smile broke out on Alex's face and Jay just stood there with a bewildered and confused expression on his face.

"Hey Sprout. Look who's finally come home." Alex spoke sarcastically, obviously still pissed from her conversation with Jay that I strategically interrupted.

"I know. It's the Big Bad Wolf, Jay Hogart." By the time I finished my sentence I was standing directly beneath him. Before I could think I was kissing him and it wasn't too long before he was kissing me back.

As we kissed I started to get angry. I started thinking about the fact that he left. All those mean things he said to me when he was here. The fact that he abandoned us, Me and Alex, when we needed him. What a complete asshole.

Before I had a chance to allow the anger to fade I was pushing him away from me and backhanding him as hard as I could muster at the time. In the background Alex was in hysterics and Sean was trying hard to hide his laughs unsuccessfully.

"You asshole." Before he could ask me what was up I was already in my room with the door locked.

"What the fuck was that?... And why is she locked in my spare room?" He sounded so pathetically clueless from behind my room door.

"Well she lives her now."

"She what?!" This time Sean steps forward with slurred words to answer.

"She.Lives.Here.Now."


	45. Since You've Been Gone

I knew coming back to Degrassi wasn't a good idea, but something inside me told me to come anyway. Maybe I should have listened to Dr. H. Maybe she was right about me not being ready to leave.

All I know is after I found out Emma has been staying at my apartment everything just got super complicated. Next thing I know Alex and Sean are telling me what's been going on since I've been gone and I'm not happy with any of it. I trusted Alex to take care of things while I was gone. I'm starting to realize that was a big ass mistake. Now I remember why I did the drugs in the first place.

I go outside to get some air and process everything that's been going on. Emma dropping out of Degrassi CS, Sean drinking, Alex and Eddie, the Wild Kitten. It's all a little much to take on. Way more than I was prepared to handle when I decided to come home.

"Hey dude, you okay?"

"Do I look okay?"

"No but trust it gets better. Emma tends to have that effect. Especially when your presence is unwelcomed."

"What are you talking about man?" I look at Sean in his eyes. There is something he's hiding. Something he doesn't want me to know.

"Nothing. Um… when I first came I asked Emma if you and she ever had sex. I've come to realize that only a quarter of the things she says is truth, so be real with me. Did you?" I could tell he was trying to avoid my question, but at the same time asking me something he really needed to know.

"Yeah. Often… And before you ask I was her first. Why do you care? It's not like you're fucking her." I chuckled slightly showing that I was joking, but then he looked away from me and didn't make a sound. There was no way. I meant it as a joke, but obviously it wasn't. "You are aren't you? You fucking her?!"

"Now hold up before you get mad. It only happened like 3 times… I was drunk every time, but the first." Stupid as excuse.

"Oh great Sean. Like that makes it any better… What the hell are you even doing here anyway?" I was pissed. After everything I've heard today this has gotta be the worse.

"Alex asked me to come to help Emma, seeing how you ducked out on her when she needed you."

"Yeah and you've really done a great job. She's worse than when I left!" I was done with him. Just looking at him angered me. "You know what Sean? Take your drunkard ass back to Wasaga, she don't need you anymore."

"That's not your decision. It's hers."

"Fine! Then we'll let her decide." We walked back into the apartment and straight for her door. Seeing how Alex was no longer in the living room I barged through the door to find her cradling an obviously upset Emma.

I was too mad to care. I needed her to tell Sean to get lost quick. He's no good for her. I didn't go to rehab to lose her completely. His ass has gotta go.

"Tell this bitch you don't want him here… **NOW**." She looks at me with such surprise. She looks into my eyes and for a second we connect eyes deciding what's gonna happen next.

"Sean… It was fun, but you know as well as I do that you were just a place holder. Jay's back. Go home." It seemed effortless for her and that kinda scared me, even though it's what I wanted her to do.

Sean gave this overly hurt look and left with a "Fuck all of you". I decided to leave Emma and Alex to their girl talk or whatever they were doing and go to my room. It made me so happy to not be surrounded by white walls and guards. I almost got to enjoy it until Emma storms into my room.

"Sean had an accident. His car crashed."


	46. Back to Black

That was the longest hospital visit I've ever had in my life. Sean's okay. He's in a wheelchair and his parents are taking him back to Wasaga, but he's alive. Emma spent the whole time freaking out. She kept rambling "Not again. I've hurt someone I care about again." Whatever the hell that's about I don't know, but it serves his dumbass right for driving off as drunk as he was. At least his influence on Emma will be over.

I've been back for about a month now and we've all fallen back into a fairly normal routine. I'm still getting used to Emma being a striper and permanent member of the Ravine. But after countless argument with her about it I've come to realize she ain't changing for nobody. She's realized the same thing when it comes to me and talking about where I've been for the better part of a year. Yeah it pisses her off that I won't tell her, but it's my choice and she'll have to deal with it.

You know she dyed her hair chocolate brown. It makes her look dark around the eyes. Like what I know isn't all that's there. It's weird. Before I left I thought I was the one person she could tell anything to… even the bad stuff. Now it seems like we just except that each other are very flawed and will remain that way. It's kinda sad.

We haven't had sex with each other since I've been back. Not that it's stopped her from opening her legs to any guy that wants her down at the Ravine. And Alex is so far on Eddie's dick that she either doesn't notice or doesn't care. Either way I'm alone on the straight and narrow track I'm trying on for size.

"You know you were so much more fun when you were doing drugs." She was trying to get to me. Make me weak. It isn't the first time and I know it won't be the last. "Now all you do is sit around here and piss and moan about how much me and Alex party… It's so pathetic."

"Yeah, well unlike some people I'm trying to deal with my problems."

"Ha ha ha. You're so FUNNY. But seriously Jay, I want my party buddy back. If I wanted a buzz-kill I'd have told Sean to stay." This chick is totally out of her mind. As she spoke she straddled my lap outwardly flirting with me.

"No go kid. I'm not going there with you this time." She looked at me like I wasn't serious. "In other words I'm not touching you."

"That doesn't mean I can't touch you." She spoke in a whisper as she slid her hand down my pants. As she rubbed my member she continued to speak. "You know you want me Jay. Come on be fun for once… Fuck me." I hadn't had sex with anyone in over a year and this was way too tempting to pass it up.

Before I knew what I was doing I had Emma down on the floor shoving myself deep into her. Every moan of ecstasy she gave made me go harder and faster. We became a mixture of lust, sweat, and hopelessness. I couldn't change and neither could she.

As we continued at it Emma pulled out a little pill and placed it on her tongue. Before she even said anything to me I was attacking her tongue with mine and swallowing the pill down. The effects of the pill were almost immediate as we continued.

By the next morning I felt like shit and Emma.. Well she was gone. As I laid in my bed thinking about what all happened last night that all too familiar urge came one. It felt stronger than ever before and I knew it was because I'm weak. I let her seduce me and get me high and now all I can think about it my next one.

That fucking unholy bitch! God I need to find Eddie.


	47. Stepping Into the Fire

When Jay came back he was like a fucking monk. It was so boring! All he did was bitch about me and Alex. But I've successfully taken care of all that. I knew all he needed was a good fuck and a good high to get back in the swing of things. Now he's better than ever before. He parties, smokes, drinks, and does ecstasy with us WITHOUT complaint.

At first when I told Alex what I did to get Jay to loosen up she was all mad. Something about "All of it was worth nothing now". I don't know what the hell she was caring on about, but Eddie's been keeping her from pissing over my fun so I don't care.

I've been at my job for like 4 hours now and my legs are killing me. Thank goodness my break is coming up. I only got like 2 more hours anyway and today the place is kinda dead, but work is good. I think I've made close to 500 dollars tonight. That's very good for the slow nights. Jay said he needed to meet me to talk about something. Hopefully he's not gonna be all pissy and whiny like recently. Every little thing gets to him, like he's my husband… Yeah right! He acts like just because we had sex means we're together. Like seriously I can do better.

"Hey Jay you said you needed to talk to me?" He looked really jittery. He kept pacing and really couldn't stay still if his life depended on it. He was on something.

"Yeah…Um… What's this I hear about you and that Keith guy?"

"Why do you care?"

"After what happened with him I thought…"

"You thought wrong. As always you are totally clueless."

"But what about us?"

"I don't know, what about us?" What the hell was he going for?

"I thought… I thought… we…" I had to laugh he was so sad right now. Like seriously Me and Jay!

"You have got to be completely shittin' me to think that you mean ANYTHING to me. At most you were a friendly fuck." I looked at him like he was slow.

"What about everything we've been through together? Huh what about that?!" He was getting mad, but I didn't care. Kid needed a punch back into reality.

"You act like our relationship has been moonlight and roses. You were a quick **fuck**! Just like Keith, and Eddie, and any other dickhead down at the Ravine that wants some."

"Eddie? What about Alex?! She really loves him."

"Fuck Alex! And fuck You for thinking I give a damn… You are so pathetic. Why would I want you?" I was still laughing. Jay had completely lost his senses.

"All this shit was for you." He was almost crying. "My sobriety, the rehab, it was all for you!"

"Well then you wasted your time." I said it calmly and never once broke eye contact with him.

"I gave up everything for you!" As he spoke he grabbed me hard on both arms. The more he spoke the harder he held me. I was scared now. I couldn't speak. "I fucking **KILLED** for you and you say I'm not worth it!" He was yelling so loud but no one was around. I was alone. "**YOU FUCKING BITCH**!" And he threw me to the ground. As I look up at him with fear in my eyes he kneels down to me and begins to whisper. "You're pathetic and a whore and a druggie and I don't want you anymore." Then to make everything worse he spat on me before walking away. As he walked away from me he said one final thing to me. "You're not welcome in my place anymore. Get you stuff and get the FUCK out…**TODAY**." And he just walked away like I was nothing.

As I stood there trying not to cry I thought about what Jay had just said. Was I really that bad and what did he mean when he said he 'killed' for me? One thing I did know was that as of today I was completely alone for the first time a while.


	48. Ingulped in the Flames

When I got home all of my stuff was scattered across the porch and steps leading to the apartment. He was serious and his mind wasn't changing. As I tried to collect my stuff I banged on the apartment door hoping he would come to it and let me reason with him, but he didn't come. Not even to tell me to leave. I was pissed.

I knew he was home. That fucking Civic he loves so much was sitting in the parking lot. That fucking Civic! I got put out like a dog and his precious Civic gets a home! As my anger grew I grabbed a rusted pipe from the ground and headed toward that stupid orange Civic. I took my anger out on it, hitting every inch of if with everything I had. His windshield… shattered. His windows… shattered. His hood… dented. His car… FUCKED UP!

As I finished up Jay came out yelling and screaming profanities at me. There was a lot of "bitch" this and "you fucking slut" that. Somewhere in between my yelling and his Alex showed up. Now it was two against one. Both of them were yelling at me. Alex was carrying on saying stuff like "I trusted you" and "why Eddie". I didn't really care I just wanted them to both stop yelling at me. Jay was holding Alex back from hitting me and I couldn't take it any longer. I had to get away. I couldn't take hearing anymore about Jay's car or Alex's boyfriend. I just needed to **breathe**.

As I looked up I noticed Jay's apartment door was still open. My escape was clear. Without even a second's thought I bolted for that door. Just behind me was a fuming Alex and an even more pissed off Jay. I never looked back but I knew they were following me. Once I was in the apartment I went straight to the bathroom and locked myself inside.

When I look back on it now I wish I'd never gone into that bathroom. Everything got so fucked up after that moment. For me…Jay…Alex. Everything changed here and it's all my fault in one way or another.

As I sat in that bathroom I think I completely brokedown. All those feelings I tried so hard to get rid of all came back in **ONE DAY**. I hated it because they were part of the old Emma and I'm not here. Or at least I think I'm not. I've come too far and done too much to still be that girl.

Outside the door I could hear both Jay and Alex banging on it frantically. Both fighting for their chance to get a piece of me. And that's when I saw it…**the gun**. I really wish I'd never realized it was there. Everything would have been so much better if I never saw it. It called to me but I tried to ignore it.

As the time passed their anger subsided and they were now begging me to come out of the bathroom. I couldn't. Everything inside of me kept me there. I just sat there crying taking deep sobs in-between my shortness of breath. I couldn't stop if I tried. I just can't take it anymore.

"Okay, 1, 2….."

Jay began banging on the door like a crazy person.

"What the hell are you doing in there? Have you completely lost it? Get the hell out of there this minute! I swear to GOD…"

"Shut up, just shut up! I can't take it anymore. No more pain, no more pain. Please just let me go, PLEASE."

"Babe, you need to come out. We can fix this. Just me and you…Okay"

I was thinking. Could Jay really make it better or had we gone too far to repair the damage of what we've become.

"NO!... It's too late for us to fix it. Too much, just too much."

"Come on. OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!"

"I can't… I just can't."

He begins to bang harder onto the door trying to break it down. As he does this I slowly picked up the gun from under the sink and draw back the trigger and aim it ready to shoot. I knew what I had to do to end my pain and his. Death was the answer. It has been all along.

"Did you get her out of that room yet" I can hear the worry in Alex's voice, but it would soon be over and she wouldn't have to worry about me ever again.

"No…Cuz she won't OPEN THE DAMN DOOR."

He tries one more time to break down the door and when it swung open it happened.

BANG!

"OH MY GOD!"


	49. Bittersweet Union

_BANG!_

"OH MY GOD!"

"No…no…NO! Emma, No! What have you done?"

"Oh my God is she dead?"

"Why! She can't die! She can't…"

When the gun went off everything changed. For Me, Alex, **And** for Emma. Everything just got so fucked up so quickly and this time I can't fix it. I want to go back and stop this. I want to go back and bring her back to life. She's too important to me to be gone.

"Jay…" I couldn't focus. Just looking at her like that killed me. "Jay, please tell me Alex is okay. Tell me I didn't **kill** her." I couldn't. Alex laid there lifeless. It wasn't fair.

Through this whole thing she has always been a bystander. For once the hurricane that me and Emma created hurt someone other than us. I couldn't take it and neither could Emma.

As Emma rose from the floor of the bathroom with the gun still in hand she walked slowly toward me. I don't think I've ever been anywhere this quiet before. When she was right next to me I grabbed the gun from her and connected eyes with her. Before either of us spoke I slid the gun into my back pocket.

"I was aiming for you." She spoke so softly, as if it hurt to even say the words out loud.

"I know." I knew the minute it went off that I was gonna be shot, but something just went horribly wrong. We both just stood there trying not to cry and embraced each other.

We stayed that way for a moment until I broke the silence between us.

"You gotta get out of here." She looked up at me stunned. Like what I asked her to do was just too complicated

"No Jay! I shot her, I'm not…"

"Just go!... As far as the world is concerned **I** shot her." She just looked at me in disbelief. "Now GO!" This time she didn't hesitate and headed for the door.

Once out of the door I wiped off the gun before she returned. Wrapping her arms around me she said the one thing I've wanted to hear from her since I got back, but now just seemed unnaturally bittersweet.

"I **LOVE** you" And she kissed me with all she had. "I'm so sorry I couldn't be better for you."

"Me too" Everything she said is what I've been feeling, but towards her. It sucked that it took this for us to realize it.

Once again she walked to the door. Before she walked out with that sober-shocked look on her face I stopped her.

"Emma… I love you too. With everything I have, I love you." She tried once again to not cry as she walked out.

As I dialed the number of the police I cried. I cried for Emma and Me, but most of all I cried for Alex because out of everyone involved in this she deserved to die the least.

When the cops got there I told them I shot her. It's about time I pay for the blood on my hands.

In a week I will be sentenced. Luckily there's no death penalty here. I'm gonna be a lifer. Sentenced to a life of confinement and loneliness. But it's what I deserve. I let TWO angels fall and it's about time I paid for it.


	50. So much for my Happy Ending

Walking out of that apartment was the hardest thing I've ever done. Once again I was walking away from a me that I didn't like or didn't want to be. Yet it made me think… Did I ever really changed or just mask the pain of who I was? I may never know, but what I do know is I've never felt more alone than I do right now.

You know he was all over the news for like a week for what happened to Alex. It took so much out of me to just sit back and watch people call him a monster. I was the monster I KILLED Alex. Seeing Jay take the wrap for me made me realize that I needed help. Some real professional help. No more drugs, no more men, no more any of it. I owed Jay that much for giving me back my life. I owe him a life worth living.

The day he was sentenced to life in prison I entered a rehab clinic called the Scripto Rehabilitation Center. I'm gonna get clean and try to find myself. I owe it to Alex. She always wanted me to be okay and happy. I'm gonna do that for her… In memory of who she was.

Even with Jay in jail we make sure to keep in-touch. I think me and Jay write each other everyday. He's so proud of me for trying to get better. I really do love him. I didn't just say it because of what was happening. He matters so much to me. He's worth everything.

He asked me to marry him you know! In his last letter it was written in big bold letters. Even though we never really can I said yes. He then sent me a paper that said:

I take thee to be my wife until death do us part

X Jay Hogart

And then I sent him the same thing with my signature. I hope it helps him… knowing that I'm here for him no matter what.

I've been doing good in rehab. No relapses and only a few urges. I think I can really make it.


	51. The End of the Road

On March 14, 2008 after only a year in prison Jayson Hogart was killed by a fellow inmate in a brawl.

Two days later after receiving word of Jay's untimely demise Emma Christine Nelson ODed on a mixture of heroin, ecstasy, and a couple of other prescription drugs.

**REST IN PEACE**

A cautionary tell of the effects of fallen Angels

Alexandra Nunez

Jayson Hogart

Emma Christine Nelson

**Author's Note: Well I've finally finished this story and I kinda have to say it's bittersweet because I feel like I've grown a lot as a writer just by writing this story. To all of you who read my story I want to say thank you so much for inspiring me to keep it up. I ask that those of you who liked my story to review the last chapter just so I can know who you are. Again I say thank you. I really enjoyed this story :-D**


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